Planes, Trains,and Automobiles

Well, I made it. Barely.

Everything started off well enough. I left work on Friday in good time (11 am), drove to the airport in a light drizzle with no traffic, made every traffic light, parked easily in my favorite lot, and caught the first bus to the terminal. All systems go. Things were easy.... a bit TOO easy.

I got in a short line at the US Airways desk and prepared to check myself in. I got up to the keosk in about 10 minutes or so, and began the checkin process.

That's when things started going awry.

My itinerary could not be found. No record of me in the US Air system. I called over a very helpful lass with a heavy accent. She spends a few minutes looking for me, looks at my printed itinerary with US Airways all over it, and then determines that "Oh. You are flying to Chicago. That'll be a United flight- not ours. You need to go to the United desk." Where, pray tell, it the United desk?

The other terminal.

So I go back outside in the now pouring rain and waited for a bus to take me to the other terminal. I'm now down to less than 1.5 hours before my scheduled departure time. I finally get to the other terminal and walk up to the nearly vacant United counter. I check in. My flight to Chicago, I am informed, has been delayed by at LEAST an hour. I ask them to check on my flight from Chicago to Des Moines. "Oh, that flight is still on time sir." they tell me.

Great.

With the layover I should make it still, but I'll have to run (I think). What I don't think about is putting myself on a standby list at this time. IDIOT!

So in Raleigh I sit. And wait. And wait. And the departure time gets pushed back another hour. 2:15 has become 4:15 now. then 4:30. Then 5 pm. This is now ensuring that I will not make my connecting flight as it will leave before I even get off the ground in Raleigh.

We leave around 5 pm. Land in Chicago a bit after 6 pm Central time. When I get off the plane and finally make it to the termminal, the scene is absolute chaos. It makes the Superdome look like a block party. I dash to the next gate that has a Des Moines flightat 6:50 pm. Perhaps I can make that flight?

Yeah. Right.

It is booked full, so they put me on the 'standby' list. I ask about my chances, and the gate agent actually looks me in the eye, shakes her head and says, "Um,it doesn't look good. Its quite a long list." I am now relegated to flying 'standby' after purchasing a hefty ticket home months ago. Nice. This flight is also delayed as it turns out and doesn't end up leaving until 8:15. Naturally I don't make it.

I go many gates over and get in line for the next Des Moines flight. This one leaves around 10:30 pm. After waiting for the final boarding, I discover that I will not make this flight either. I think about renting a car and driving home... but I am informed that all the rental cars have been snatched up already. So I sit back down and wait for the last remaining Des Moines flight that night. Midnight departure time.

I check once again with the gate agents-- no there are no seats on tomorrow's flights either. I would have to fly standby then too. Crap.

I wait for this one final flight with baited breath. They load all the ticketed passengers and I'm thinking it doesn't look good. Its a small commuter jet, and there are a LOT of us on the standby list. And I'm at the bottom. They start calling names. They call like 10 names in a row... and then I hear it.

Mr. CB- please report to the podium.

They may have called 10 names but I get my ass to the podium #2 in line. They print me a ticket. Before I know it, I'm down the jetway and walking toward the plane. I quick dial Mom who's waiting to hear if she needs to drive to Chicago to pick me up. She starts crying on the phone when I inform her I'm on a plane.

One hour later, I'm landing in Des Moines... its now after 1 am. I've been travelling since 11 am. At this point its taken me less time to travel to Eastern Europe than it has to get halfway across America. Mom meets me at the baggage area. And now I get the delight of trying to find my luggage.

It was there, but I only found it after an exhaustive search of the hundreds of suitcases littering the luggage carousel area from all the other travelers who didn't make it.

But I don't care about them. I'm home! Well, nearly--- only a 40 minute car ride home.

Ho Ho-- FUCK No!

Well, it appears as if I am in for a holiday travel nightmare. As usual.

I really hate travelling at this time of year. Not only are the airports lousy with holiday grinches, but delays/cancellations are nearly a sure thing. Plus, I have to fly into the midwest (specifically to Des Moines) which ensures that I will have a connection somewhere because there are no direct flights from Raleigh to Des Moines. And my connections are usually in nice, big, snow-prone midwestern cities like Chicago, Detroit, St. Louis, or Minneapolis.

This year its Chicago.

Yes, I get the glory of flying through O'hare at this time of year. And the whole travel thing has been made extra special this year by the blizzard in Denver... which is now moving its way across the plains toward-- where else? Des Moines and Chicago.

When the national news wishes any holiday travelers "good luck" trying to get to 'Grandmother's House' this year, you know its bad.

So most likely I will be spending the night in O'hare-- or a hotel if I'm lucky. My guess is that my flight leaving RDU will be delayed, which will put me late into Chicago, thus missing my Des Moines connexion.

If things go poorly, as I expect they will, this will be the fourth year out of eight that I've had trouble getting home for Christmas. Two years I've barely made flights in Detroit (and subsequently had lost/missing luggage) and one year I spent the night in St. Louis.

Wish me good holiday travel luck. I'm going to need it.

Bringing Sexy Back.... Again.

I watched The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last night. Again.

I'm such a whore for Supermodels... and modeling in general. You KNOW I am a devotee of ANTM (America's Next Top Model). So whenever there is any catwalking going on, I have to watch. And even though I'd seen this fashion show earlier in December (on CBS) I watched some of the rebroadcast on the WB.

Giselle is definitely sexy... and does quite well at bringing sexy back.


I love the sexy stewardess thing! The finger in the mouth totally gets me.


Izabel is absolutely gorgeous- and flirty on the catwalk!


Damn these south american hotties! No wonder they always win the Miss Universe pageants.

Oh, and by the way... the Victoria's Secret outfits for the runway were an absolute crapfest. I honestly didn't see the point. It was like Pret-a-Pooter-- merely a showcase for the models and for the Victoria Secret name, not the clothing.

You can't escape Christmas...

Here's one of those Meme things- what the fuck does meme mean anyway? Me Me?

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Neither. Its coffee or nothing.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? The prezzies are always wrapped.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Colored lights- big, old fashioned bulbs. I think a tree should be multicolored and have meaningful ornaments- not a commercial-looking tree.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? I don't decorate at all, but my mom hangs fake mistletoe.
5. When do you put your decorations up? See previous answer. But my parents will put there decorations up about a week after T-giving.
6. What is your favorite Christmas dish? Frosted cutout cookies.
7. Favorite Christmas memory as a child? The year I forgot it was christmas and slept in. It saved me from another year of being made to regret receiving gifts.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? 2nd or 3rd grade. I don't know. I think it came around the same time I figured out sex.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? When I was little I would sometimes get to, but mostly we had to wait.
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? Cutout cookies.
11. Snow! Love it or hate it? Love it, but only two kinds- the heavy, snowball, clings to everything snow, or the dry, crystalline, powerdy kind that looks like diamonds.
12. Can you ice skate? Yes.
13. Do you remember your favorite present? Not really- I remember the year I got an Atari-- and then cried about it because my parents told me that I had better be thankful because there were all sorts of kids less fortunate that don't even get presents.
14. What’s the most important thing about Christmas to you? Spending some time with family.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Cutout cookies! God DAMN it!
16. Favorite tradition? The ever present grapefruit or orange in the toe of my stocking.
17. What tops your tree? Mom uses a spikey thing. Dad uses an angel or a bear or something.
18. Which do you prefer – giving or receiving? Isn't it divine to do both?
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night is so damn beautiful, but I also love Joy to the World because it is just so well written.
20. Candy Canes? Eh- can take them or leave them. Although they DID hone my sucking skills as a child...

Most Unfortunate

To cap a most productive and glorious day, I ordered a pizza from the ONE pizza shop within 5 miles of my home. Its run by a Lebanese family and most of them are very attractive.

Except for Unibrow.

When I went to pick up my pizza, that's when I was visually assaulted. The guy taking my money was certainly new, as I'm sure I would have noticed his eyebrow before. It was truly hypnotic. I tried my best not to stare, but it was really REALLY hard.

The poor guy needs a gay friend to help him fix that. And a chinese lady with a tub of hot wax.

The thing that I noticed most was that it wasn't the really thick 'brooke shieldsian' unibrow. No, the rest of his eyebrows were sort of normal thickness and well arched. They merely met in the middle in a most unfortunate way. And not right in the middle of his forehead either.

They met a quarter of the way down the bridge of his nose.

I am not joking about this. The suckers arched downward to a point more than a quarter-inch down the bridge of his nose. Below where the bridge of a pair of glasses would reside. And I swear there was a cowlic in the middle of it all with long hair going every which way. It made me want to check my pizza for eyebrow hair!

The poor guy! He would seriously go up about 2 cute points if he would do some strategic tweezing.

Playin' Hooky

I'm having a bit of a Ferris Buehller Day Off here today.

The only technical difference is that I actually called in and requested a vacation day. I'm such a rule-follower. But I just couldn't possibly be expected to face work today. Its over 70 degrees here and the air is very warm. And its sunny with not a cloud in sight. This WILL be the last nice day until spring, so I just had to get out in it.

Sort of.

I actually slept in until 10 am because I couldn't fall asleep last night. But then I got up, did some cleaning, some laundry, and worked on my music composition. Then I went shopping. (I did however drop the top in my convertible!)

Part of the reason I took the day off is because I am so not ready to leave for the holidays. I'm going back to Iowa and I don't have my Xmas shopping done, I'm not prepared with clothing, I don't have my mind ready for a week of family, etc. Plus I've been inundated with parties and band concerts and such so that I feel overwhelmed. I get this way at the holidays.

So I took the day off to regroup. So far so good.

I am MOSTLY done with xmas shopping- minus a few gift cards for friends (Wednesday night is gift exchange night and sushi). Tuesday is my piano lesson for which I haven't practiced one whit. But I bought her an orchid and a pot so I hope that will make her go easy on me.

I also plan on washing my car this afternoon, doing more music composition work, and then practicing the piano. After I update my blog of course. And drink some coffee.

P.S. On the 6th of January (saturday morning) I am going to need a lot of positive vibes. If things go well, the Durham Concert Band will be sight reading the first two movements of my composition. I'm excited and dreadfully nervous to hear it with real instruments.

If it sucks I'm going to cry a lot. For real. And then blog about crying a lot.

Recovering...

Another picture of me-- but this time I have freshly shorn locks.

Let me start off by saying that I'm TOTALLY stealing this camera angle from Kelly at "Rambling Along in Life". I noticed most, if not all of his self-pics use this angle, and since he takes good pics I thought I'd try it. And it seems to work fairly well, as many of my numerous flaws are diminished and/or hidden by this angle. Thanks Kel!

This is me on my porch early on Saturday morning (early being 9 am). I got up at 8 and cut my hair... and took aspirin to ward off my hangover.

I went to a small gathering of work associates at a bar near my home. Since the bar was so close, I figured that I should just bite the bullet and go. And it was fun- albeit interesting. I got toasty. Everyone got toasty. Much swearing and pool playing happened. It was all good.

And the wife of one of my work colleagues (actually he is several levels above me in importance at work) got drunk and started talking to me about her gay nephew and her gay sister and such. Awkward! She started our drunken conversation with "so where's your "friend"? Are you still seeing your "friend"? I thought you had a 'friend"--- etc. You get the picture.

As soon as this talk started I began thinking to myself "Hmmmm, I guess they really DO know that I'm gay at work. But they ignore it so well- as all good southerners do!" But not her- she was asking my advice on how to ask her nephew if he was gay and how to talk to him. My basic answer to her was that the honest, direct approach usually works best.

Of course on the opposite end of the spectrum were my quality cohorts. Two guys, both rather randy devils completely into womanizing. They were pointing out all the 'honeys' to me at the bar. All the while at the pool table behind us was a gathering of firefighters celebrating the holidays. Seriously. Firemen. One table over.

I was definitely between a hard place and a hard place all night. Hence the beer drinking and the headache today.

Deliciously White Trash happening!

What I am about to describe happened mere hours ago.

We had our department Christmahannukwanzicali celebration lunch at one of our finest local eateries. This is one of two joints in town where you can go with a large group and eat a meal that isn't packaged in a wax paper wrapping. Unless you opt for mexican food. Anyway, we are at our table and our waitress comes by to fill our drinks.

The head of our department(for the sake of anonymity we shall call here Elena) was drinking the omnipresent 'Sweet Tea'. But true to her micromanaging, high maintenance self she wants 'no ice'. The waitress was trying to fill Elena's glass with a pitcher of sweet tea filled to the very brim with (what else?) ice.

So our waitress tries to s-l-o-w-l-y pour the tea into the glass.

Plop- one ice cube.

Plop- another ice cube.

Elena reasserts the fact that she doesn't want ice at this point. So our waitress sets down the glass, puts her FINGER at the lip of the pitcher, and proceeds to pour the rest of the glass full of tea.

Her FINGER!

Everyone at the table is in awe. My eyes are now agleam with unadulterated Christmas delight at the display of pure-t white-trashiness. Elena says, "Um, did you wash your hands first?" To which our waitress replies, "Heck, I've washed 'em like 20 times already today. But if its a problem I can get you a new glass."

Elena just sort of shook her head and the waitress left.

The table slowly started to resume normal conversation and was pseudo-pretending that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Fortunately I was not about to let such a prime opportunity pass.

I started chuckling. And then I started giggling uncontrollably. Everyone at the table started looking down to my end. I just had to look at them all and I said, "Oh my God! That was the most deliciously white trash thing I have seen in such a long time!"

And then being the ham and attention whore that I am I start mimicking the waitress by coughing and hacking onto my hand and then saying in my best southern, cigarette choked drawl, "Aw, Sweetie, here lemme get that ice for ya" as I pantomime fishing the ice out of a glass with my fingers.

This naturally got the table going and everyone started in on the fun. It was quite possibly the best department lunch event ever.

Then it got better.

A different waitress came by and Elena asked for a glass of Sweet Tea with no ice. The waitress looked down and said, "Uh- isn't that what you already got in front of ya?" There was a pause and Elena said "Yes, but um....."

And then a different person at the table jumped in quickly and finished with, "... there was something IN that one."

I started snickering again and the table could barely contain laughter until this waitress left.

And it all couldn't have happened to a nicer boss.

High School Musical (concert)

We had our first of two holiday concerts last night. It was in conjunction with the Riverside High School Band concert.

Overall, it was a pretty cool evening, and the concerts went well. The Riverside bands (yes, there was a concert band and a symphonic band) were fairly decent for the most part. I can tell that the program is in a rebuilding phase, and they do have some very decent players. And their music was ambitious to say the least, so kudos to them.

The high school bands did not play much holiday music in their programs-- i guess that was left up to us. And it was probably a good thing, as most of our concert was holiday music-- but different holiday music.

We played Sleigh Ride, of course. But also a couple cool medleys of christmas music, some of which was arranged in nontraditional ways. I love when familiar melodies are deconstructed and broken apart and reassembled into new ways, in new meters, etc... it can make for very exciting musical opportunites.

It can also lead to trainwrecks... one of which happened last night.

"Jubilant Holiday" in one such 'nontraditional arrangement' of "In Dulce Jubilo". This particular arrangement infuses a bit of the nutcracker's arabian dance in the middle (very hot!). But there were a lot of tempo changes to master. We didn't so much master one of them.

The conductor and the trumpets had VASTLY differing ideas about the new tempo in one segment of the piece. The trumpets get credit for listening to each other and holding it together. However with the conductor flailing about up front and not matching what the trumpets just fanfared, the rest of the band was at a bit of a loss as to when exactly to come in. Thank Allah it was only an 8 measure transition area-- because it very nearly ground the piece to a bloody halt.

Not pretty.

But the rest of the concert went very well. My favorite piece was called either Christmas Traditions or Holiday Celebration. The titles start blurring after awhile. The reason I liked it was because the ending was hugely loud. Very traditional bombastic end-- and I felt the need to 'represent' in the trombone section.

And I did.

I think I left part of my lungs on the stage after the last note. Fortissimo with a crescendo to the end. Brilliant! And it tune. And holy fucking LOUD.

Because as anyone who knows band geek personalities knows that trombone players and percussionists live to play loud. (So do trumpets, but they live to play HIGH and loud).

One last thing: there were some little cuties in the high school bands! How lecherous am I?? Seriously, there was one percussionist with a chin goatee, kinda thin, ears that stuck out, sandy blonde hair, but cute as anything! Still in that awkward, not fully developed phase, but getting there. And I was looking at it!!! He was probably 16 or 'maybe' 17 too.

God, I've turned into a chickenhawk!

I wanna be a loser!

I'm feeling rather fat, as of late, and last night didn't help.

I watched the finale of 'the Biggest Loser' last night. It was fairly dramatic and I did tear up in places. It really is emotional seeing how transformed these people are- and pretty amazing too! I wish I had before and after pictures of some of the winners; all I can say is WOW.

During the show I had an epiphany. I realized that I had hit rock bottom myself. True, I had done a cardio workout earlier in the evening, but when I got home I sat on my couch, had a sandwich and some Cool Ranch Chips... and while the people are getting on the scale and showing how much they've lost, I ate my dessert.

My dessert consisted of some Hostess Cupcakes, and by some I mean four.

Yes. There I am, watching success stories about weight loss while gorging on transfat sweeties. It was nearly enough to make me retch.

I'm now hoping to draw inspiration from these contestants (some of whom lost over 50% of their body mass~!!!) and lose some weight myself. I know how to do it: work out, eat right, no snackies, etc. But DAMN if I don't have a sweet tooth!

Hot Man Haiku #52

Rebel with racket
Keep the shaved head, grow some scruff
back off Stefi Graff!

Cervical Cancer

(Picture of Michael McKean giving the international sign for "this sucks big cock".

As my two new shows were not on TV last night (Heroes and Studio 60) I was forced to watch the new live-action version of "A Year Without Santa Claus". And when I say forced, I mean that I dropped the remote somewhere near my feet and couldn't be bothered to move off my couch to get it to change channels.

This NBC live action version was so utterly wretched that I think it gave me cervical cancer.

First, let me start by saying the title is a complete lie. There is NEVER a year without santa in the entire movie. It should be called, "The year Santa decided to boycott Christmas but ends up delivering toys anyway". An unwieldy title, but infinitely more accurate.

There were so many atrocities inflicted upon the public by this, that it makes the genocide in Darfur look more like euthanasia of an ailing grandparent. I will try to list some of the awfulness in bullet-point form:

- Chris Kattan with the bloody eye in his opening scenes. Obviously he'd been hit in the eye during the filming and the broken bloodvessels made it look like he was bleeding out the socket of his left eye.

- Jangle, the blaxploitation elf (the one and only token black in the whole production) who simultaneously embodied nearly every stereotypical 'homey' role ever portrayed (coming just short of "Miss Scarlet! Miss Scarlet!!).

- Snowmiser (pictured above) was just a poor, poor acting job by Michael. The recalcitrant, tantrum throwing child just did NOT come off.

- Harvey Fierstein as "heat miser". What fresh gay hell was THAT? He was so poorly over the top that his performance alone nearly made me reach for the remote. It was a minivan wreck with burning children inside that I couldn't turn away from. Black eather lederhosen with flames? And the song and dance number.... OUCH!

- Carol Kane: love her, but as K-dog said (yes he watched part of it too) not even she could save this shit.

- John Goodman as Santa. Well, what can I say? Now he can do us all a favor and OD on drugs and die, because he's now played every fat man role in hollywood.

- Delta Burke as Mrs. Claus. Well, what can I say? Now she can do us all a favor and OD on drugs and die, because she's now played every fat woman role in hollywood.

- The beer-guzzling Animal Control officer. On tv he basically shotgunned a beer in front of a child, then belched in the kid's face. That and he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a tattoo on his belly that said "Life's too short for paperwork". Nice touch.

-Carson Kressley as the gay makeup/costume person in charge of Santa. He had like 2 mintues of screentime and basically played himself in elf ears. Who did he blow that owed him a favor?

- The storyline. What an abortion. Southtown- the stereotypical white, southern town. The North Pole now being a commercialization and toy manufacturing globalization effort called SantaCo. Everyone using cellphones and mimicking a bad, hustle-bustle business environment. The suits and hats (my god the costuming!!) Delta's fat ass in a mink. And then there was the whole treacly 'son wants father to spend more time with him and less being the mayor' story.

I honestly cannot believe I watched the whole thing. But after the first commercial break, I knew I was watching it merely for blog-fodder.

Why I hate Christmas

13 more shopping days until Christmas, and I haven't done shit.

For the past few years, my family has collectively decided that we all have way too much shit and that we are not going to exchange gifts. Which is fine by me, because this way I don't have to fake like I like something that they give me. Plus I save a ton of moolah. When I say a ton, I mean it. A few years ago I was spending roughly $200 per family member and more for mom- ending up spending over a thou of my hard earned cash at Christmastime. But thankfully we have tapered back to almost nothing.

Almost.

This whole no exchange thing never quite works out truly as 'no givies'. Instead, everyone ends up buying small things... ostensibly just as stocking stuffers. Things we may "need". Like iTunes gift cards or lottery tickets... or Black and Decker power tools.

I'm not joking.

Our stockings have taken on epic proportions. In the whole spirit of nongifting, we have elevated stocking stuffing to truly American proportions. Last year I had my special, knitted, outsized stocking filled to the brim, a SECOND giant tubesock filled to the brim, and then one or two gift baggies besides.

Its all borders on the grotesque... and that was just at my FATHER'S house!

Once again, this year we all decided that there would be absolutely no gift exchange. Period. My mother even jumped on this bandwagon this year, to which I say HOORAY! No More Bad Plaid Shirts!!!! And I took this no gift vow to heart; I haven't shopped one whit for any of my family members.

Then I got the calls this weekend.

Mom: So, what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Um, I thought we weren't doing gifts this year?

Mom: Oh, well, you need a LITTLE something to open on Christmas!

Me: (sighing to myself) No clothes, please.

Mom: Of course not! But are there any gagety things that you want?

Me: Can't think of a one.

Mom: how about one of those hands-free ear phone things...

Me: a bluetooth? Hell no.

Mom: I thought that for when you are driving...

Me: I don't want to be "that guy". I think they are ridiculous.

Mom: There must be something...

Me: iTunes giftcards. Circuit City Giftcards. Lowes or Home depot giftcards. In fact the Lowes cards would be great because I need a new thermostat for the house.

Mom: Don't buy any DVD's for yourself before christmas, now.

Me: wouldn't dream of it. So what would YOU like?

Mom: flannel nightgown. Brown Gloves and a scarf. New curling iron. Thats about it.

Me: Ok. (and some Aveda product, and some DVD's, and a CD- I think)

The conversation with Dad went about the same way- just variations on a theme- and with more people to buy for.

You know- life would have been so much simpler if Baby Jesus hadn't been so greedy. If he hadn't started the ball rolling with all those gifts at the manger, we wouldn't be in this retail predicament today.

the many faces of...

I snapped this picture this morning. This is me with hair- which I tend to have in the winter months. Plus I'm doing the "Captain Morgan" goatee thingy. AND I'm sporting my 2+ year old glasses that seem to get more positive compliments than I can shake a stick at. Go figure. Perhaps I should update the prescription and get some antiglare coating, huh?

Thank God-Buddha-Allah-Siva for creating NPR. I listen to it while driving (just like my parents-- I'm slowly turning into them!). But this morning i was treated to a story about Jonathan Coulton and his little project.

It seems that Jonathan decided to quit his day job as a software engineer and write one song per week for an entire year. He called it his Thing-A-Week project. The man is quite simply amazing! They were interviewing him this morning and I became absolutely entranced.

Yes, I think his songs are that good. Especially "Code Monkey" from like week 29 or something. Evidently this song has made the internet loop already- like 5 months ago, and I'm just catching the wave now. Better late than never, because the song is brilliant.

He wrote the song about his toiling away as a code writer (monkey),working in a cube, having a miserable life. Its fun and poignant at the same time. And catchy. And lyrically brilliant as he sings in broken, caveman english about "Code monkey wake up.... code monkey go to job. Code monkey go to stupid meeting with stupid boss, Rob. Code monkey not stupid, just proud." etc etc.

I am desperately trying to download his songs, but his website is completely jammed right now. I'll try to post a youtube video of the song.

Hello Bindi

This is a closeup of one of my flat panel speakers connected to my computer at work. Please note the addition of a bindi to Ms. Kitty White. I felt she needed a bit of asian 'flair'.

Glo-ho-ho-bal Warming

People who do this to their home at Christmas should be shot.

For one thing, its completely tacky and ostentatious. For another, it contributes to Global Warming.

Yeah, that's right. I said it. Global Warming. Energy wasters at the holiday really need to be called out and shamed for their wanton power use. Where do they think the electricity comes from-- God? Well it doesn't. It comes mostly from dirty, old, coal-fired power plants. And these people are sucking up the juice like a slutty receptionist at an office christmas party!

Oh for a return to the good ol' days of the Energy Crisis in the 70's. The government really put the fear into us and effectively stopped huge holiday lighting displays. People started purchasing more fuel efficient vehicles. Americans were actually conscientious about being wasteful.

But not now. Not even with $3 gallons of gas- we still waste.

Here is a quote from my college answering machine greeting, circa 1990. I always tried to come up with clever messages, and this one shows that I was aware of our current situation more than 15 years ago:

(sung to the tune of "Gloria In Excelsis Deo")

Because we chop down the rainforest, we have thrown the world askew
The ice at the north pole is melting, because of too much CO2...

Glo-oh-oh-oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-obal warming
soon we'll all be toast...

Glo-oh-oh-oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-obal warming
soon we'll all be to-oh-oast.

Try to stay cool this Christmas, everyone.

Euphemisms for Breasts

Its time agian for another post that gives all sorts of alternative terms for a woman's breasts. I'll get the ball rolling with a few:

Boobs
Tits
Knockers
Melons
Sweater puppies
Pillows
Gazongas
Tetas
Tetons
mounds
'the girls'
milkbags
Teats
Bazoombas
bosom
speed bags <=== misogynistic
Jubblies
Chest
Chesticles
Casabas
Airbags
Happy Meals


Feel free to add to my vocabulary.

Gotta Love the Mudflaps...

I hope to hell this picture is doctored. But from the buzz surrounding the muttonchop sighting, I daresay its not.

From the look of the picture, my guess is that the two kids were natural birth, and not cesarian birth.

Ew.

Hot Man Haiku #14

Flashbulbs pop for him
A darkroom, his zoom extends
picture him naked

ANTM Junkie

I am a big whore for ANTM.

(for you lay-people out there, ANTM stands for America's Next Top Model)

I honestly watch the show every week, and I love love LOVE Tyra Banks. I love her so much that some day I'm gonna have her children. Yes, I will cary the baby so as not to ruin her body.

Tyra is hysterical too. My favorite comment from her this year was when she was telling Anchal that they were going to do 'threading' on her hairline to raise it up. "We're gonna take you from a forehead to a Tyra Banks FIVE-head," she quipped. Self deprecating, cheeky, AND quick. Love it!

Anyway, back to this year's winner. Last night was the finale of season 7. It was down to three girls: Caridee, Melrose, and Eugena. We all knew that Eugena wasn't going to win-- dead eye syndrome, plus an overall lack of passion for modelling did her in. Thus it became a 'battle of the blondes', even though Melrose is more of a brunette in real life. Cuffs and Collar baby, cuffs and collar should match!

K-dog (sr-sl) watches the show too. He was a big fan of Melrose. I, however, have been a Caridee fan ever since they voted off the last shorthaired, white, androgenous model. And as it happens, our two horses were in the final showdown.

Admittedly, Caridee can't walk a runway to save her life. I can do a better runway walk (and frequently do when trotting up the long, forklift aisles at work- its good practice). But Caridee has that nordic blonde look, she's from the Midwest, and she's funny. And she takes stunning photos.

The thing that made me like Caridee was her personality. Its huge. She's funny and a bit of a ham. She overdoes it sometimes, but then we all do in our efforts to deflect. She developed her 'humor shield' when she had psoraisis as a child and all the other kids made fun of her. And I identify with her because I developed my humor shield in a similar fashion when I was a geeky fagboy getting picked on by kids in school.

And the judges picked Caridee-- probably mainly due to her last photo shoot for Covergirl. Her picture was fairly flawless and showed the product well. I hope she does better than last year's girl, who has been a total cipher.

Hooray for Caridee!!!

Online tests don't lie...

You Are Vixen

Sexy and sultry, you're the one all the other reindeer dream about. Why You're Naughty: That fur pulling spat you got into with Dancer over Santa. Why You're Nice: Because even when you're nice, you're still delightfully naughty!

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

I answered truthfully-- honest I did!

You're gonna love me!

I'm gettin' kinda anxious to get my fag on by going to see "Dreamgirls".

The trailer that I saw a week ago actually gave me chills. But then again, any halfway decent rendition of "You're Gonna Love Me" will do that. Its a brilliant show-stopper.

And Jennifer has the voice- and girth- to pull it off. However, she's going to be mercilessly compared to Jennifer Holliday who created, defined, charged, owned, soiled, and generally decimated the role of Effie. And Jennifer singing "You're gonna love me" is so full of emotion that its hard to imagine anyone else doing it justice.

I hope Hudson can pull it off. Because I'll mainly be watching the entire film just for that number.

Fuck Beyonce.

All Swung out...

God, I don't want to be at work today. I'm tired, grumpy, bleary, and in a general malaise. Not to mention another choice French word like... ennui. Yeah, I've got that too.

A popularity-induced hangover, I suppose.

Holiday season is upon me, and I'm just not prepared for it, dammit. I'm having trougle getting my holiday gifts rounded up, I haven't started any christmas cards (like I EVER send them anyway), and I'm poor. AND the second holiday party of the weekend was last night. It was interesting (much as this person's parties tend to be) and I didn't get home until 11 pm.

11 pm on a SCHOOL NIGHT? What was I thinking?

So this party was not only a toy's for tots drive... again (I brought a brat doll and a lego set), it also had the dubious honor of being a tacky ornament party. There was an empty, ugly-assed, fake tree in the room, and we all decorated it with our little treasures. Then we all voted on the ugliest ornaments.

I didn't win.

NOTE: The tree used to catch the ornaments (much like a colostomy bag catches ornaments) has a green and white, candycane striped central pole. Stuck into this pole, sparsely and at odd angles, are three foot long, curved, sparkly green boughs. The base of the tree is supported by 4 red shoes, akin to something that Dorothy would wear. The tree topper was a frog in a dress. The tree was, quite simply, hideous.

The ornament that won depicted a snowman getting a blowjob from a naked woman. However, since one of the hosts had brought this ornament, it was declared 'ineligible'. There was a second snowman ornament showing a snowman giving it to a snowwoman from behind. She had a very surprised look on her face, and her snowtits were very large. This also did not win.

The first prize winner was a pink bunny ornament, with no arms, that had a sphincter for a mouth. No kidding. The mouth of the rabbit was brown and puckered, and you could push your finger into it.

Second prize went to the pink princess phone with light-up details and voices.

Third prize went to the "I (heart) My Penis" air freshener.

My ornament, you ask? It was a handmade gem. I cut out a price tag from a file folder at work, wrote 99 cents on it, and tied it with red string. I think people mistook my ornament for an actual price tag left on that hideous excuse for a tree. Which was sort of the entire point.

Ah well, grasping nuance was NOT the strong suit of the average party guest.

At this party, there was a distinct 'age line'. There was the 19 - 25 crowd... and then there was the over 35 crowd. And ne'er the twain shall meet. This falls right in line with the typical party crowd for the guy who threw the party.

He is 47 or so, but loves the 19 year olds... so much so that he chats with them online. A LOT. But he's also dating someone right now (a guy who's like 24) so that probably explains the whole May-October makeup of the party. I applauded the fact that there weren't any men below the age of 18 this year. Or guys stripping their way through college.

There were approximately 4 cute guys at this party. Each of whom I'll detail right now.

Cute Guy #1 (CG1): pluses = came early. 6'2". Blonde. Blue Eyes. Beefy. Great smile. Southern charm for days. Polite. minuses = JUST came out. Ex southern baptist. Doesn't drink at all. Maybe 26... at the most. Had a cold.

CG2: Pluses = dark hair. Dimples. Sizzling smile. Chest. Minuses = dental student (hence the smile). Young (early 20's). Knows he's pretty. Will have nothing to do with me. Poor sense of humor, as he reacted negatively to my "why was there a used condom in your jacket pocket? joke.

CG3: Pluses = Brown doe eyes. Handsome. Soulpatch. Witty. Sarcastic. Sexually flirtatious. Looks like my step brother. Minuses = smoker (since age 12!!). Too young (25). Looks like my stepbrother.

CG4: Pluses = Interesting. Funny. Cute. Intriguing. Minuses = younger than 24. Student.

Other guests of note: the girl with the eyeshadow that matched her dress (it was teal), the girl with the newly installed breats, the weird straight guy that always has pretty girls with him (which he probably pays for), the quiet gay guy who was under the impression that EVERYONE wanted him (not so), and the British guy who farted (it was a potent S.B.D.).

Yes, Ray... I SO need to move.

Oh so Angelic...

This is me reproducing that fucking "Angel" picture that was omnipresent about 5 years ago. I know its not that great, but you need to realize that I was out drinking less than 8 hours before taking this picture. I'm a little bleary.

The party last night was interesting considering it was joint venture party given by ex-husbands. It necessitated drinking on my part (7 beers worth). However, the bear went over well.

thank Allah for toasted coconut coffee-- it is really helping me out at this point.

Speaking of Allah-I followed the lovliest pickup truck nearly all the way to my coffee haunt this morning. The whole rear of the truck was covered with bumper stickers. My favorite said the following:

"U.S. Marines: Your Personal Escorts to Allah"

How nice.

Speaking of 'nice'-- I think I've been fairly 'nice' this year-- or at least no more 'naughty' than usual. So is it wrong for me to ask santa to bring me a pair of Heelys for Christmas???

I think these fucking things are brilliant. And I want to be "one of THOSE" adults who wears them. What do you think?

Apple iPhone

I don't know when...

I don't know how...

But I know something's starting right now....

Watch and you'll see... One day I'll own...

An Apple iPhone!

Seriously, I never get jazzed about cell phones... but a phone-pod would be cool as hell.

Social Butterfly

I will be quite the socialite this weekend.

I have two (count them--- uno! dos!) holiday parties to attend. One this evening and one on Sunday. Other than the fact that I hate Sunday parties, they should be fun.

Both are drunking, carousing, schmoozing, ostensibly 'fun' parties. And both are requiring "toys for tots" donations. Although I'm not sure if they are both OFFICIAL toys for tots-- they may be bears for children or help a child or something. I don't know. But both are asking for me to bring a toy.

Quel expectations!

I have already purchased a teddy bear for the first party. I'm a bit old fashioned in my gift giving, I suppose, but I happen to think that EVERY child (girl or boy) would love to have a Teddy of their own. They are a good non-sex gift and can be easily played with, talked to, slept with, etc.

I still sleep with my bear (named Preston). He's a Gund. The only time he goes away is when I have a 'visitor'. It turns out that cum doesn't wash out of synthetic fur very easily.

As it so happens, I bought a Gund for this friday party. Its cute as hell, too! As I was purchasing it, I caught myself envisioning the potential happiness of whatever child received this bear. I hope their little eyes light up and they squeeze the bear and give it a good home.

The ladies at the Hallmark store asked me if I wanted it wrapped for a gift- and I told them that it couldn't be wrapped because this bear was destined to be part of Toys for Tots. They melted. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!" they all cooed. "That is so absolutely sweet!"

Now, I'm in a quandary about what to get for the second party. Do I get two prezzies (a boy prezzie and a girl prezzie -- ie legos and a brat doll) or what do I get?

Suggestions appreciated.