Redneck HOT

Okay- so I'm stuck at work on a Saturday. Every year we get the absolute joy of doing physical inventory where I work. This entails counting every raw good, manufactured piece, etc that we have in the whole facility.

Basically this task sucks ass.

However, this year I got the good fortune to work with two of the five men that I have crushes on (Kyle and Chad).

These guys are hotter than Hades... but in a redneck way.

They are both in their later 20's, both married, both have big arms and chests with slight beer guts, both have goatees, both are wearing worn-out baseball caps with creased bills, and both have southern accents as thick as molasses.

Seriously, these dudes give me a boner. And they are on my inventory team all day long.

We've been joking and laughing and calling each other fucker and bitch all day. Ragging on each other's moms. I told one of them that he was whining so much it sounded like he needed to go wash the sand out of his vagina. (You know, the typical straight boy foreplay).

Its so much fun for me! Plus Kyle knows I'm gay and he's cool with it. In fact, he gives me shit all the time about it-- but in that joking, acceptance way. Its worse when they avoid all sexual humor with you because they are skittish about your gayness. Kyle just embraces it and will say things like, "you get some bad dick last weekend or what?" Shit like that. And natually I throw in jokes about him tapping his wife's pussy with his teeny percker.

All in all, inventory could have been a lot worse. Of course, the day isn't over.

Friday Ranting

I'm going to start a new segment of my blog- Friday Rants. After a week of crap, I figure that I should vent before the weekend.

So, the topic this week is 1st amendment freedom.

I went to McDonalds yesterday for lunch (ew, I know). I picked up a USA Today (really ew, I know). In the USA Today was a small news blurb (out of an entire newspaper comprised of small news blurbs) about a woman in Pittsburg, I believe, who was arrested because of her website.

Her website contained FICTIONAL stories about torturing and abusing children. Some of the children in the story were below the age of 9 or so.

Is physically or sexually abusing children ok in my eyes? Hell no!

Is torturing children ok? Once again, hell to the no.

Is writing sick and twisted stories about torturing and abusing children and then posting them on an internet site ok?

Fuck yes.

Now, if these weren't fiction stories but were true recounts of twisted crap, then yeah, the police should have investigated. But getting arrested for fiction stories? Really??? Evidently our government considers this a crime and a federal offense worthy of prison time.

Are they going to arrest the writer of that new movie about Bush's assassination because he wrote about killing a president?

Do we arrest the writers of Law and Order: SVU when they write stories about raping and murdering children?

What about that Penthouse Letter that I read as a teenager, about the guy who fucks his thanksgiving turkey and then serves it to his guests. Should HE be arrested for writing a letter about bestiality and serving tainted food?

Where does it stop? How much more censorship do we have to endure?

Fifty MORE Things You Probably Never Wanted To Know

In an effort to reduce the clutter on the right hand side of my blog, I'm trying to do a link type thingy so that I can have my 50 things actually NOT always there (but accessible to all who want it)

So, I'm trying to come up with 50 MORE things about myself. This is gonna be tricky; I'm not that deep.

51) I love puns
52) And giggle at politically incorrect jokes
53) but I hate bigots
54) and hypochrist-ians
55) I love roller coasters
56) but hate heights
57) I love exploring different countries and cultures
58) but hate to travel
59) I love Thai food
60) and Tae Bo
61) and Tyra Banks
62) and Ty Pennington
63) Extreme Home Makeover invariably makes me sob
64) so does the movie "the Color Purple"
65) so does Aaron Copland's "Appalachian Spring"
66) I demand perfection when it comes to staged productions
67) I have performed Britten's "War Requiem"
68) and "Carmina Burana" (three times)
69) I used to do musical theater in Peoria, Illinois
70) I watch TV commercials more than I watch TV shows
71) I hate chrome wheels on cars
72) and spinning rims are just ridiculous
73) I love the Harry Potter novels
74) but think he should die in the end
75) or at least become a muggle
76) I hate chotchskys
77) and gew gaws
78) and baubles
79) and basically any clutter of that nature
80) carnival glass makes me wish for a baseball bat and 5 minutes of quality time
81) I'm addicted to iTunes
82) I've smoked pot before (less than 5 times)
83) I'm turned on by the TV show "Oz"
84) actually I'm turned on by the men in the TV show "Oz"
85) or any man with a shaved head, goatee, and who looks like he's worked out in a prision yard
86) I have a collection of VERY naughty porn
87) I like leather (a lot!)
88) my biggest pet peeve is when people make 'a lot' one word
89) next biggest is when people say "flustrated" or "supposably"
90) I also dislike when people chat online and abbreviate things like "nm. u?"
91) although I accept the abbreviations during text messaging
92) I love all things 'American'
93) but am disappointed by America
94) I love the smell of dry-erase markers
95) I'm a slob when it comes to house keeping
96) but I keep my CD collection alphabatized
97) I can't relax if there is an open cabinet or drawer or closet in my house
98) I used to eat play-doh as a child
99) I eat sandwiches almost every day for dinner
100) I collect rocks and minerals

Hot Man Haiku # 86

Blossom's L'il Joey
He got bald and he got buff
Whoa! He got HOT. Whoa!

The Rules of INTERNET Dating

Internet Dating is like playing the board game "Mystery Date"-- but with all the good date cards taken out. Ok, maybe not ALL, but a significant portion of the good ones. And the captain of the football team card is DEFINITELY missing.

Internet dating is not for the squeamish or faint of heart. It can be a rather dodgy affair usually ending in heartbreak. Or crabs.

But there IS a chance that you could meet Mr. Right. Therefore, I have put together 10 rules that I think can help out. This rule grouping is a subset of the previously posted over-arching rule set. So without further ado, the rules:

CB's INTERNET DATING RULES

1) No pic, no meet. There are only three types of men who don't have at least SOME sort of picture posted online: (a) men who are grody, (b)men who are married and/or hiding something, (c) men who are technologically inept. All three types should be avoided at all cost.

Caveat: unless you like blowing the occasional married dude, then its ok. Just be sure he IS married and not a poser.

2) Do a phone screen first. A simple phone test will be very revealing about the other guy (i.e. it will let you know if the guy is ultra-nelly or not). Plus it will give you a good idea of how conversation will flow when you do meet in person.

3) ONLY agree to a beverage date the first time out. Do not do dinner or a movie- they can take an eternity when the date is going poorly. A drink can be quaffed quickly in case of emergency. (I once chugged a glass of wine during an especially bad outing.)

4) Always make your first meeting at a place centrally located to each of you, preferably with lots of witnesses about. Caribou Coffee = good. Jeffrey Dahmer-esque secluded wooded area = bad. Plus, if you agree to drive all the way to his neck of the woods, it gives him tacit control of the date (and you don't want to roll over for him just yet, right?)

5) Do not plan a first date at your place or his place. Too much stress accompanies dates at an individual's abode. Is it clean enough? What'll we do- watch a movie or talk? How do I get him to leave? How do I leave gracefully? What if he has a knife collection? Etc. Plus, agreeing to a date at a person's house implies that you are agreeing to some sort of sexual activity.

Caveat: If you ARE agreeing to some sort of sexual activity, then its ok.

6) Expect the worst. Go into the date knowing that the guy has a third arm extending from his forehead, and that he has merely photoshopped it out of his online photo. Tis the nature of online profiles. People 'exaggerate' themselves. Some more than others. And unless you see multiple (recent) pictures from multiple camera angles with the guy in different outfits-- just know that he has 'changed'. And probably not for the better.

7) Don't oversell yourself. During the phone screen, give the other guy an honest appraisal of your faults. Remember it is far better to see a smile of approval on your date's face than a grimmace of disgust.

8) Never agree to a date with anyone who seems a bit too eager. The eager guys are generally the ones without pictures, so if you use rule #1, you should never get this far. But occasionally, you may find a guy who gets rather insistant that you meet as soon as possible. Overeager guys turn into stalkers. And while a good stalker can be fun, it isn't worth it in the long run, so nip it in the bud now.

9) Never agree to meet for the first time at a gay bar/club. One, there is an excellent chance that your date will be witnessed and picked apart by a most unforgiving peer group. Two, the other eye-candy at the bar will make it difficult to concentrate on your date. Three, its just far too loud in those places.

10) Always get a dick picture. Some say that this is immature. Others say that it is tantamount to snooping at your Christmas prezzies. I say, I want to know what I'm getting up front. After all, who hasn't wished that Santa would bring a chemistry set, only to find on christmas morning that you got wool socks instead?

All Screamed Out

I still have only a raspy bit of voice three days after getting my scream on at America's Roller Coast.

Cedar Point (for those who aren't in the know) is the most fantastic amusement park- if you are into roller coasters. They have a LOT of them. Wood ones. Steel ones. Suspended ones. Stand up ones. Tall ones. FAST ones! Its insane.

If your idea of an amusement park entails wandering through family themed areas, then by all means, go visit the Mouse House. But if you like thrill rides, you need to head to Cedar Point.

The two best coasters (in my opinion) are the Millenium Force and the Top Thrill Drag Coaster.

The Millenium Force scares the shit out of me.

Its 310 feet tall, and the first hill drops you at an 80 degree angle and you hit speeds of 90+ mph. And its over a mile long. The first pic gives you an idea of it. Since I don't like heights, that first hill kills me. The track feels awfully skinny, and the ride sits right at the edge of Lake Erie, so the ride up to the top is freaky for me. Plus there are no shoulder bars on this ride. It has a seat belt and a lap bar. I feel very 'uncontained' in the thing.

So naturally I rode in the very front.

I gotta say, being suspended nose-down over that first hill is INSANE. I scream like a girl- well, like a girl with a deeper voice. And then the wind rips your voice away...

And then I laugh giddily the rest of the ride.



The Top Thrill Drag Coaster is a very different sort of thrill ride. The whole thing is about anticipation. And speed.

The ride takes all of 30 seconds... maybe. The coaster takes you from a dead stop (like a dragster at the starting line) and then uses a catapult system to launch you to 120 mph in 4 seconds. Then you shoot STRAIGHT up 420 feet like a rocket, do a 1/4 barrel roll over the top crest, then head STRAIGHT down 420 feet, do a 3/4 barrel roll, and come to a stop.

And naturally I rode in the very front.

The acceleration is worth the wait! The roar of the wind is incredible and I honestly thought I was going to lose a contact lens. Its hard to even recall the 'going straight up' part, but the decent with the barrel roll is quite memorable. Especially in the front where you see the bottom of the track so very far away.

And once again, it just has a seat belt and a lap bar. VERY disquieting when you are sitting ready for the launch. There is very little to hold onto.

I love coasters.

Cedar Point also has many other rides- but all are thrilling in some way or another. And at this time of year, they have the whole park decked out in Hallowe'en splendour. Replete with people in costume that jump out and scare you in certain 'foggy' areas of the park.

If you have the means, I highly recommend a journey to Sandusky and to Cedar Point.

The Rules of Dating

Over the years, I've honed a short list of dating do's and don'ts. I think it would be a crime if I didn't share my wisdom. Therefore, without further ado... the rules!

DATING RULES

1) Do not try to date out of your level. If you are a 7, stick with 6's or 8's. You can go as high as an 8.5, but you better be bringing something else to the table (i.e. money, fame, a 10 inch penis, etc) or you could be dumped. And you can go to a 5.5- but you may get wanderlust over time.

Caveat: if you are buttfucking RICH, you can easily date above your level, as long as you realize that they are just interested in the size of your wallet.


2) Don't date anyone with more baggage than you have. Or WORSE baggage than you have. Everyone has relationship baggage, but its best if its kept to carry-on size. Its less annoying that way and stows easily. Also, its too difficult to be a couple if you have Louis Vuitton and the other guy is dragging around Sampsonite.


3) Do not get involved with or try to maintain a long distance relationship. Unless there is a definite short term plan to turn the long distance thing into a short distance thing. Distance makes the heart go wander. Its sad, but true.


4) Never (under any circumstances) break in a virgin. I know someone's got to do it, just make sure that its someone ESLE. You really don't need the whole 'sorority girl following you around for 6 months after you use it' syndrome.


5) Its best to avoid dating someone out of your socio-economic strata. Things work best if you make close to the same amount of money a year. The larger the difference in income, the more potential for money issues to creep in. Unless you are happy being a kept boy or a sugar daddy. Then more power to you.

Hot Man Haiku # 365

Men of Wrestling
Taunt me, degrade me, throw me
flip me and PIN me!

ROLLER DERBY!

I have a brand new sport to love.

This weekend I witnessed my very first live Roller Derby match. As it turns out, it was their "Inaugural Brawl" at their new home- Dorton Arena at the NC Fairgrounds. There was a big crowd on hand, the hometown 'ladies' won by absolutely destroying their opponents, and I got a free ticket!

I must give props to William and Austin. They are two of my friends who invited me to go. They are a couple and decidedly "in the know" about these events. I had no clue it was going on- so much thanks to them.

Also of note, this is flat-track derby. Not the same as the velodrome derby of yesteryear. Flat track offers some advantages: easier to knock opponents out of bounds due to physics, can set up a track anywhere, cheaper. Disadvantages: a bit slower.

The free ticket I scored was actually a comp. As I was waiting in line with W&A, a guy walks past asking if anyone needed a ticket. Nobody was saying anything to him so I say, "What- like for free??" And he says, "You said the magic words," and he just hands it to me.

So after saving the $12 fee, I splurged and got a Carolina Rollergirl t-shirt. I plan on wearing it proudly on Thursday this week.

The Inaugural Brawl featured the All-Star team from Carolina and a team from Las Vegas- the Neander Dolls.

Yes- the best features of Roller Derby are the puns. Some of the names of the Carolina girls are as follows: Violet Femme, Betty Rumble, Eva Lye, Kama Suture, Shirley Temper, and Penelope Bruz.

Going in, I had no knowledge of the scoring system, the penalties, etc. I was a complete novice, but after a mere 5 minutes of watching (approximately two jams worth) I had the thing down. After that, I was an ardent fan; yelling insults, screaming for our jammers, calling the refs every name in the book for missing fouls and giving bad out of bounds calls.

Too bad there was a family with 5 year old children directly in front of me. But I didn't feel that badly once I saw the little girl (in her Ohio State Cheerleading uniform) giving a lapdance to her brother. I am NOT kidding about this.

That's the other good part about roller derby. It seems to bring an interesting cross section of humanity together. Or at the very least, an interesting cross section of a SUBSET of humanity.

Its kind of the same crowd you'd see at, say, a demolition derby, a monster truck rally, a state fair, or an amusement park. In other words, college kids and white trash.

Completely fun!

P.S. I'm going to Cedar Pointe amusement park this coming weekend...

Listen to Jesus, Jimmy...

Last night I needed to see a fun movie, so I watched "Reefer Madness".

Not the old, 1936 propaganda film (although that IS contained in my DVD)- I watched the new, Showtime produced, 2005 version. Let me just say right now that the movie is every bit as addictive as marijuana is protrayed to be.

I first decended into madness while at 'blockbusted'. There it was in the sale rack. Beckoning to me with its saucy cover. How can I resist Alan Cumming, Ana Gasteyer (whom I went to college with), Christian and Neve Cambell, etc? It was like a siren's song.

And it was only $7.99. So even if it sucked, at least I own it at a cost of only 3 extra dollars over rental fees.

As it turns out, it doesn't suck. I WAS however, a bit skeptical after the first musical number "Reefer Madness". It was over the top,but not ALL the way over the top. Kinda like, 'We're trying to be campy, but its falling just short of 'funny' camp.' For a brief moment I had horrible flashbacks to my stint on the Gay and Lesbian film festival committee!

But by the next number "Romeo and Juliet" the movie hits its full stride and becomes completely addictive. The two lovebirds (Cambell and Bell) sing a lovey-dovey number about how they are going to be just like romeo and juliet and live happily ever after. They haven't finished the play so they don't know how it really ends.

Ana Gasteyer's number about 'The Stuff" is funny- especially when she hits the high point of the song with the lyrics "and RAPES ME!" It stops all activity on the street.

The best musical number by far is "Listen to Jesus, Jimmy". It is completely irreverant and hysterical to watch. The guy playing jesus is incredible at it. He actually pulls off a sleezy vegas jesus!

There is also plenty of sexiness in the film. The first decents into madness by Campbell and Bell are marked by distinctly different sexual reactions to the weed. Cambell is seduced but resists as best he can, Bell turns into an S&M dominatrix.

In the end, the whole musical/movie becomes an excellent statement on propaganda and how the government tries to manipulate people with fear. Hmmm, kinda timely hun?

I highly recommend watching this at least once.

Tattoo Update

Hey. its been a week since my inking and my views have changed.

I am liking my new tat- I just can't wait for the healing process to be over. It is "mostly" healed with only one or two areas still being all flaky and itchy. The ankle being one, the back of my calf being the other.

And I've been wearing shorts quite a bit when being the man about town. The ink draws a lot of stares. I LOVE that. I love watching people's eyes flick down to my leg. I can almost hear their thoughts about it.

The spiraling of the sanskrit is definitely unique. And eyecatching. Which, to me, are both the most important features of a tattoo.

I'll attach a couple more pics later...

Because I'm in a salacious mood...

Chris Meloni is one, fine motherfucker.

I have claimed all rights to him, so you other bitches can back right off (you hear that, k-dog?). Seriously. He's mine. I don't care if he 'claims' to be straight. It doesn't matter.

You gotta love the Cable Powers That Be for coming up with a series that shows full-frontal male nudity. And homosexual encounters. AND rape scenes! All set in a delicious prison environment!

Its like someone read my diary when I was 14 and created a show based on my dreams...

Oz Public Service Announcement

To rinse the evil taste of lohan from my brain- I watched this clip. Seeing Chris Meloni pissing in a bucket makes me rock hard for some reason...

Blohan's Blo-hole

I saw this and very nearly vomited.

One of the last things I ever needed to see was Lindsey Lohan's 'herbie' fully unloaded. And its shaved.

What is this girl's damage? I mean, MY GOD!

Hot Man Haiku # 66

Mountain in a suit
Football jock, hollywood smile
How long is Howie?

Pushin' the Needle too far...

I got a tattoo on my leg last night and I'm still trying to sort out my feelings about it all.

For one thing, it hurt like a motherfucker. My shoulder tattoo was uncomfortable- but handleable. This one stung like a bitch and made my whole body tense up. Who knew that the back of the leg was so sensitive? (k-dog) Plus the fucker inked me deep, and it took 2.5 hours.

I have always liked the idea of text as tattoo. I like the written word, especially in beautiful written languages (like Arabic, Sanskrit, Chinese). It took me a long time to find the sanskrit text i wanted to use. And then it took a long time to figure out what i wanted to do with it. My right calf and leg was a shoe-in for the spot because I already have my left shoulder done. I needed the balance.

And in my mind's eye, I liked the idea of the chosen mantra spiraling downward from my calf. In the end I think it turned out ok.

Not GrrrrrrrEAT (as Tony the Tiger might say), just ok. And I'm struggling with that.

Mostly I think it came out looking fairly decent and I think others will probably say the same thing- if only to reassure me. The problems are my perceptions of it and the fact that the tattoo isn't perfect.

I have trouble dealing with imperfection.

There were lots of obstacles with this tattoo which led to the end product. Putting linear text on a curved surface presents a lot of problems as it turns out. And due to the shape of my leg, it was nearly impossible to get the spiraling to be perfect-- and so it isn't quite. Also, we had to take into consideration of where the text would fall with relation to the curve of my calf muscle. So this required adjustment of the overall spacing of some of the lines. And then the length of some of the text segments required tweaking which causes slight breaks in the smoothness of the spiral.

Curse the human body and its asymmetry!!!

And then there's the fact that the text I chose has several repeated characters but strung together in different ways. I think this is where I just have to suck it up and realize that a tattoo artist is not a type-writer. Some of the similar characters just aren't EXACTLY identical. Very close, but not exact.

To understand how this affects me, you need to know that I am someone who will hit one wrong note in a Chopin prelude and then just freeze up because I've destroyed the composition. With artistic things, I'm unyielding in my expectations of perfection. With all else, I could give a rat's ass.

It would have just been so much easier to choose a smaller design that didn't have the repetition in it. Like a skull or dragon or something tribal. Anything that would have given the tattoo artist discretion and freedom with his needle. Hell, how about one,big Kanji even? But no. I fall in love with a sanskrit mantra.

In the end, I think I need to remember why I chose the mantra. If you condense the meaning of it, it basically calls upon the awesome power of that which is the Oneness of the universe and offers up a prayer asking for help in becoming part of that perfection. And when I feel the tattoo in the future and meditate on its meaning- maybe the fact that it ISN'T perfect isn't so bad after all.

Nothing human is- only the Oneness.

Baby Cruise-Holmes

Um, "Suri" must be sanskrit for 'ugly'.

Hot Man Haiku #149

Cajun Quarterback
Hotter than Cayenne pepper
Your sweat burns my tongue

R.I.P. Animal Teaser...

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Like the old addage says: when you mess with the bull, you get the horns.

I'm not saying that Steve Irwin deserved to die. Nobody DESERVES that (except for people who take the lives of others). But you have to admit he did his fair share of teasing animals.

Sure he was a great spokesperson for the Australian people and for the Outback environment. And yes, he taught a lot of people about animals and their various dangers. But he also tormented the fuck out of the poor, hapless creatures.

If you were a snake, how would YOU like being manhandled by the tail?

When I heard of his death by stingray barb, I immediately envisioned the below fight sequence between Sigourney Weaver and the Alien Queen:



Remember how the Queen was lashing about with her tail and trying to stab Ripley with it?

I guess this time the Queen won.

Pride and Decadence

I am freshly returned from another weekend of sun and debauchery at 'The River's Edge' in Georgia. The R.E., as you may recall from a previous post, is a clothing optional, mostly gay campground in northeastern Georgia.

Three things about this weekend:

1) I had a great time and am now darker than any caucasian has the right to be
2) I fell in love (okay... lust)
3) I'm now more depressed than ever

I'll first gloss over some of the basics so you get some background.

I rode down with T&T (a couple that I met down there last time, who live in Charlotte). No we don't have sex, we are just friends. They lent me a tent and we had a great time hanging out together. Plus they ran interference for me with the love of my life/weekend. There's a story involving T1 in a minute...

The weekend was full of free food, free alcohol, parties, sun, volleyball, drinking, flirting, music, dancing, etc. There was a free cookout every afternoon at 4 pm. One amazing guy provided free mixed drinks to all the people at the pool all day saturday. There was a DJ poolside all three days. The parties have free mixed drinks. It only rained for 20 minutes on Sunday, and the rest of the weekend was very nice.

So- on to the love connection.

Friday night I got wasted. Evidently the free mixed drink at the party contained everclear. Eww. I puked. But before I did, I was stumbling back to my tent when I bumped into a very VERY hot man. Or at least what I think is hot. He was about 5'9", shoulders for days, ARMS for days, thick fur on his chest, stocky not sculpted, shaved head, goatee, legs like tree trunks, etc.

I stopped for a bit of chit chat with him, where I 'think' I basically propositioned him. As I said before, I was wasted. He declined because he was heading to bed. I ended with, "I hope to see more of you tomorrow".

Saturday morning was evil. I was hung over and all the food and drink (coke, water, etc) was in T&T's cabin. I had nothing except a vile taste in my mouth and a headache to beat the band.

I was up at 8:30 am or so, and decided to shower, then head to the pool to relax, read, and cure my aching head. I'm at the pool at 9- and I plop delicately down into a poolside lounge chair.

I eventually look up. And who should be sitting with a group of three men, in a lounge chair diRECTly across from me?

Him.

Mr. Gorgeous from the night before.

I'm alternating between embarassment and intrigue. He's got sunglasses on. I have sunglasses on. I keep looking over to where he's sitting, and I think he keeps looking back. With the sunglasses and my poor vision, its really hard to tell.

It was very hard for me to concentrate on my book.

Eventually T&T get up and I'm able to get a diet coke and water and a donut so help speed my hangover recovery. Once we are all at the pool, I point out the object of my desire to them. They are in 100% agreement that I have directed my lust 'wisely'.

But then they get disgruntled with me because I won't talk to him. He is in a group, and I just can't find an approach. YES, I'm an infant when it comes to this shit. I'm like a 12 year old girl with a crush; its all so upsetting.

T1 decides to take matters into his own hands. He knows one of the guys sitting with Mr. Hunky and so goes over to chat. During which time, I see them all talking, and then looking over and talking some more.

This is embarassing! The only thing missing is for one of them to stand up and point directly at me. Now remember, the pool is chockers full of men at this point, so anyone can be witness to my humiliation.

I stay calm and start chatting with a guy next to me. His name is Rick, and he and his partner have a permanent site at the place. I met them last time. They were all into Kev-Kev and not me... but they are still nice.

Rick and I are still chatting when I see Hunky get up and start walking around the pool toward us. I'm now ready to kill T1 for his intervention. I can see T1 and Hunky's friend watching the whole thing from across the pool. I want to die.

Then the best part. Hunky walks up.....

... and starts talking to Rick.

I'm serious. But here's the kicker. Hunky's opening line is, "Hey, I really like your buddhist prayer wheel tattoo."

Rick does not have a buddhist tattoo. I HAVE THE FUCKING TATTOO! Rick is semi-befuddled as he has a university of kentucky tattoo... but he thinks that perhaps its his necklace to which Hunky refers.

At this point I lean over my chair and look at T1 and Hunky's friend. Their jaws are completely open. I see them both mouth the words "WRONG ONE!" T1 is shaking his head. I point at T1, and then give the very slow, thumb-drag-across-the-neck-to-symbolize-his-impending-death gesture.

I really did.

And then as I see Hunky and Rick fumbling along, I decide to help if I can. I look up and say, "I think your friends sent you over to talk to me."

I got no response. Perhaps they didn't hear.

Hunk leaves, and T1 returns. He sits on my chair and is in complete disbelief about what just transpired. He can NOT fathom how Hunky got the wrong guy. Especially because (according to T1) Hunky not only remembered me from last night, but thought I was very cute and had been wanting to talk to me all day because we had been eyeing each other at the pool since before breakfast!

At this point I was ready to throw in the towel, but I was also past the lust of no return. As was everyone else at the pool. Evidently my hunk had EVERYONE in a dither, especially when he decided to shuck his drawers at the pool. (Can I say 'huge'?) I was being cock-blocked at every turn by Mr. Hunky's new suitors.

But CB waits in line for NO man. They wait for me, dammit.

Eventually he strolled close to my area again, and it was time for Ursula to take matters into her own tentacles.

I stopped him, introduced myself, and said, "I think I made an inappropriate pass at you last night, didn't I?" He just laughed and said it was in no way inappropriate. It was then that I told him that I thought he was defintely one sexy man and that I'd been noticing him all day. (Yes, I'm that subtle).

He surprised me by telling me that he thought I was VERY cute, loved my smile, and that he had been watching my ass get in and out of the pool all day, and that he had been wanting to talk to me for some time.

Bingo!

So, I unzip my fly a bit further, and tell him that I'm glad he put his shorts back on because him walking around nekkid was absolutely wrecking me. THEN I basically said I'd love to get some personal time with him this weekend, whenever he wanted.

He said, "Its a deal".

The rest of Saturday I was basically cock-blocked 100% by a guy named Tim who would NOT leave Mark (Mr. Hunky's name) alone. T1 and T2 wanted to call in an air strike against him. But I knew that Mark would respond to my more subtle approach. Give space, with just some occasional reinforcement chatting.

Nothing happened Saturday night. I saw Mark leave with two guys from the party (one was that Tim), and that depressed me to no end. So I left. T1 and T2 told me later that he came back shortly and that Mark didn't do anything with them.

Sunday rolls around and I'm back at the pool early (no hangover, just depression). But then in comes Mark. He sees me and walks right up to my chair and sits down. We start talking. And for once its just us-- no interruptions. I have him all to myself.

He's not only very handsome, he's also very nice as it turns out, the fucker! How DARE he be nice and not a bit slut and friendly and everything? Geez! Marks' from tennessee and has a good job and has a charming southern accent as thick as syrup. We talk about my book, our jobs, exes, Tennesee, houses, landscaping, everything. He touched me a lot during our conversation and its really nice. But then along come Tim again, and sits right down with us.

Oh no. This is NOT happening again.

Long story longer, I finally chatted with Mark alone for about two minutes at the pool and pulled out the big guns. I told him that every time I saw him I just wanted to make out with him and that it was killing me that we couldn't find any alone time.

Then I did the 'stare' into his eyes. Added in the wistful, half smile, shook my head, and started to walk away. Then I added in a couple backwards glances, downcast eyes with big smiles (coy), and kept walking.

As I said, I don't wait in line.

We cross paths a few more times during the day. Each time he calls me handsome and gives me a touch here or there. Later that afternoon, I'm at the point of bursting so I find Mark, and all i said was, "do you have any free time now?"

He gave me a knowing look, and wandered from the pool area up toward his camper. He looked back to make sure I was following. I followed a 'trying to be discreet but everyone with eyes probably knew what was happening' minute later.

We met on the road, walked to my tent, and went inside for about half an hour.

It was very...

...very...

good.


I saw him again Sunday night at one of the parties. He was Mr. Popular again and I just couldn't compete. He left rather early (with Tim again) and I was left to my depression.

I did find Mark on Monday morning, and I got his phone number, business card, and email. I gave him all my contact info as well. We talked about Sunday night and how I wished he had returned to the party. Evidently he left because his shoulder was bothering him. He ended up falling asleep for a couple hours. When he woke up, he just deciding to go back to sleep instead.

Then I got a brief, goodbye makeout session.

But dammit- i wanted more!

And true to form, I now find myself alone again after a holiday weekend, wishing that I actually had someone I could kiss whenever I wanted. Someone like Mark.

Yes, I know it was a weekend of lust and probably meant nothing to him. How could it, after all? I'm a random, average guy from North Carolina. He's a Grade A slab of beef who lives in Tennessee. And yeah, he probably has some flaws somewhere, right? And now I get to play my favorite game of waiting around for Mark never to call or email.

But I do miss the kissing part so very much.

Fucking holidays. Literally.