Why I hate Christmas

13 more shopping days until Christmas, and I haven't done shit.

For the past few years, my family has collectively decided that we all have way too much shit and that we are not going to exchange gifts. Which is fine by me, because this way I don't have to fake like I like something that they give me. Plus I save a ton of moolah. When I say a ton, I mean it. A few years ago I was spending roughly $200 per family member and more for mom- ending up spending over a thou of my hard earned cash at Christmastime. But thankfully we have tapered back to almost nothing.

Almost.

This whole no exchange thing never quite works out truly as 'no givies'. Instead, everyone ends up buying small things... ostensibly just as stocking stuffers. Things we may "need". Like iTunes gift cards or lottery tickets... or Black and Decker power tools.

I'm not joking.

Our stockings have taken on epic proportions. In the whole spirit of nongifting, we have elevated stocking stuffing to truly American proportions. Last year I had my special, knitted, outsized stocking filled to the brim, a SECOND giant tubesock filled to the brim, and then one or two gift baggies besides.

Its all borders on the grotesque... and that was just at my FATHER'S house!

Once again, this year we all decided that there would be absolutely no gift exchange. Period. My mother even jumped on this bandwagon this year, to which I say HOORAY! No More Bad Plaid Shirts!!!! And I took this no gift vow to heart; I haven't shopped one whit for any of my family members.

Then I got the calls this weekend.

Mom: So, what do you want for Christmas?

Me: Um, I thought we weren't doing gifts this year?

Mom: Oh, well, you need a LITTLE something to open on Christmas!

Me: (sighing to myself) No clothes, please.

Mom: Of course not! But are there any gagety things that you want?

Me: Can't think of a one.

Mom: how about one of those hands-free ear phone things...

Me: a bluetooth? Hell no.

Mom: I thought that for when you are driving...

Me: I don't want to be "that guy". I think they are ridiculous.

Mom: There must be something...

Me: iTunes giftcards. Circuit City Giftcards. Lowes or Home depot giftcards. In fact the Lowes cards would be great because I need a new thermostat for the house.

Mom: Don't buy any DVD's for yourself before christmas, now.

Me: wouldn't dream of it. So what would YOU like?

Mom: flannel nightgown. Brown Gloves and a scarf. New curling iron. Thats about it.

Me: Ok. (and some Aveda product, and some DVD's, and a CD- I think)

The conversation with Dad went about the same way- just variations on a theme- and with more people to buy for.

You know- life would have been so much simpler if Baby Jesus hadn't been so greedy. If he hadn't started the ball rolling with all those gifts at the manger, we wouldn't be in this retail predicament today.