Cervical Cancer

(Picture of Michael McKean giving the international sign for "this sucks big cock".

As my two new shows were not on TV last night (Heroes and Studio 60) I was forced to watch the new live-action version of "A Year Without Santa Claus". And when I say forced, I mean that I dropped the remote somewhere near my feet and couldn't be bothered to move off my couch to get it to change channels.

This NBC live action version was so utterly wretched that I think it gave me cervical cancer.

First, let me start by saying the title is a complete lie. There is NEVER a year without santa in the entire movie. It should be called, "The year Santa decided to boycott Christmas but ends up delivering toys anyway". An unwieldy title, but infinitely more accurate.

There were so many atrocities inflicted upon the public by this, that it makes the genocide in Darfur look more like euthanasia of an ailing grandparent. I will try to list some of the awfulness in bullet-point form:

- Chris Kattan with the bloody eye in his opening scenes. Obviously he'd been hit in the eye during the filming and the broken bloodvessels made it look like he was bleeding out the socket of his left eye.

- Jangle, the blaxploitation elf (the one and only token black in the whole production) who simultaneously embodied nearly every stereotypical 'homey' role ever portrayed (coming just short of "Miss Scarlet! Miss Scarlet!!).

- Snowmiser (pictured above) was just a poor, poor acting job by Michael. The recalcitrant, tantrum throwing child just did NOT come off.

- Harvey Fierstein as "heat miser". What fresh gay hell was THAT? He was so poorly over the top that his performance alone nearly made me reach for the remote. It was a minivan wreck with burning children inside that I couldn't turn away from. Black eather lederhosen with flames? And the song and dance number.... OUCH!

- Carol Kane: love her, but as K-dog said (yes he watched part of it too) not even she could save this shit.

- John Goodman as Santa. Well, what can I say? Now he can do us all a favor and OD on drugs and die, because he's now played every fat man role in hollywood.

- Delta Burke as Mrs. Claus. Well, what can I say? Now she can do us all a favor and OD on drugs and die, because she's now played every fat woman role in hollywood.

- The beer-guzzling Animal Control officer. On tv he basically shotgunned a beer in front of a child, then belched in the kid's face. That and he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a tattoo on his belly that said "Life's too short for paperwork". Nice touch.

-Carson Kressley as the gay makeup/costume person in charge of Santa. He had like 2 mintues of screentime and basically played himself in elf ears. Who did he blow that owed him a favor?

- The storyline. What an abortion. Southtown- the stereotypical white, southern town. The North Pole now being a commercialization and toy manufacturing globalization effort called SantaCo. Everyone using cellphones and mimicking a bad, hustle-bustle business environment. The suits and hats (my god the costuming!!) Delta's fat ass in a mink. And then there was the whole treacly 'son wants father to spend more time with him and less being the mayor' story.

I honestly cannot believe I watched the whole thing. But after the first commercial break, I knew I was watching it merely for blog-fodder.