All Swung out...

God, I don't want to be at work today. I'm tired, grumpy, bleary, and in a general malaise. Not to mention another choice French word like... ennui. Yeah, I've got that too.

A popularity-induced hangover, I suppose.

Holiday season is upon me, and I'm just not prepared for it, dammit. I'm having trougle getting my holiday gifts rounded up, I haven't started any christmas cards (like I EVER send them anyway), and I'm poor. AND the second holiday party of the weekend was last night. It was interesting (much as this person's parties tend to be) and I didn't get home until 11 pm.

11 pm on a SCHOOL NIGHT? What was I thinking?

So this party was not only a toy's for tots drive... again (I brought a brat doll and a lego set), it also had the dubious honor of being a tacky ornament party. There was an empty, ugly-assed, fake tree in the room, and we all decorated it with our little treasures. Then we all voted on the ugliest ornaments.

I didn't win.

NOTE: The tree used to catch the ornaments (much like a colostomy bag catches ornaments) has a green and white, candycane striped central pole. Stuck into this pole, sparsely and at odd angles, are three foot long, curved, sparkly green boughs. The base of the tree is supported by 4 red shoes, akin to something that Dorothy would wear. The tree topper was a frog in a dress. The tree was, quite simply, hideous.

The ornament that won depicted a snowman getting a blowjob from a naked woman. However, since one of the hosts had brought this ornament, it was declared 'ineligible'. There was a second snowman ornament showing a snowman giving it to a snowwoman from behind. She had a very surprised look on her face, and her snowtits were very large. This also did not win.

The first prize winner was a pink bunny ornament, with no arms, that had a sphincter for a mouth. No kidding. The mouth of the rabbit was brown and puckered, and you could push your finger into it.

Second prize went to the pink princess phone with light-up details and voices.

Third prize went to the "I (heart) My Penis" air freshener.

My ornament, you ask? It was a handmade gem. I cut out a price tag from a file folder at work, wrote 99 cents on it, and tied it with red string. I think people mistook my ornament for an actual price tag left on that hideous excuse for a tree. Which was sort of the entire point.

Ah well, grasping nuance was NOT the strong suit of the average party guest.

At this party, there was a distinct 'age line'. There was the 19 - 25 crowd... and then there was the over 35 crowd. And ne'er the twain shall meet. This falls right in line with the typical party crowd for the guy who threw the party.

He is 47 or so, but loves the 19 year olds... so much so that he chats with them online. A LOT. But he's also dating someone right now (a guy who's like 24) so that probably explains the whole May-October makeup of the party. I applauded the fact that there weren't any men below the age of 18 this year. Or guys stripping their way through college.

There were approximately 4 cute guys at this party. Each of whom I'll detail right now.

Cute Guy #1 (CG1): pluses = came early. 6'2". Blonde. Blue Eyes. Beefy. Great smile. Southern charm for days. Polite. minuses = JUST came out. Ex southern baptist. Doesn't drink at all. Maybe 26... at the most. Had a cold.

CG2: Pluses = dark hair. Dimples. Sizzling smile. Chest. Minuses = dental student (hence the smile). Young (early 20's). Knows he's pretty. Will have nothing to do with me. Poor sense of humor, as he reacted negatively to my "why was there a used condom in your jacket pocket? joke.

CG3: Pluses = Brown doe eyes. Handsome. Soulpatch. Witty. Sarcastic. Sexually flirtatious. Looks like my step brother. Minuses = smoker (since age 12!!). Too young (25). Looks like my stepbrother.

CG4: Pluses = Interesting. Funny. Cute. Intriguing. Minuses = younger than 24. Student.

Other guests of note: the girl with the eyeshadow that matched her dress (it was teal), the girl with the newly installed breats, the weird straight guy that always has pretty girls with him (which he probably pays for), the quiet gay guy who was under the impression that EVERYONE wanted him (not so), and the British guy who farted (it was a potent S.B.D.).

Yes, Ray... I SO need to move.