Thursday, August 31, 2006

Earrings: the continuing saga...

I've had some earring issues lately.

I got my ears pierced about 2 years ago. And by pierced, I mean, I had them done at a tattoo place where they use the needle, etc. I got captive bead rings put in at that time, and they stayed in.

Until last weekend.

Yup, I never removed them. Quite honestly, i was too nervous about it. Those little beads really snap into place and are a bugger to pop out. I was worried I'd tear my earlobe if I tried it.

So, last weekend I made the decision it was time for something a bit different. I went to another tattoo place, and got curved barbell earrings installed that had 'spikes' on the ends. The spikes unscrew and allow the earrings to be easily remove- a feature that appeals to one who hopes to go on job interviews soon.

The spike earrings looked great... for about a day until one of the spikes unscrewed itself from the hoop and is now gone forever. I think its probably somewhere out where I play volleyball. Talk about a pisser, as the things aren't very cheap.

Unfortunately, this meant that I needed some kind of replacement. I will eventually drive down to Raleigh and get another freakin spike-end, but I needed something fast because I'm going back to the naked camp this weekend. So I jumped online and ordered me a new pair.

Or so I thought.

One can never have too many earrings, and since I now have removable options, I thought why the hell not? My new pair was to be a stainless steel combo- ball on one end, spike on the other. The package arrived yesterday and I tore greedily into it to find...

ONE earring.

FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! Foolish me was under the impression that earrings automatically came in pairs. But no. When you get these kind, evidently its all individually based.

My current earring count is now as follows:

one combo ball/spike earring
two curved barbells with three spikes
two captive bead rings

The only complete pair at this point is the captive bead pair. And because I leave town tonight, the only option was to reinstall the capitive beads.

Let me tell you, it took me over an hour of sweaty, grunting labor to get those fucking beads to snap back into place! I'm not joking. I think there's probably a trick to it, but when you are trying to do it by feel with two hands and no tools, it takes some doing.

The tips of my thumbs are quite numb from pushing those damn little balls into the damn little hoops.

So- after all was said and done, I had roughly a week with sorta spike earrings, and now I'm back to the captive bead. About the only thing I learned from this experience is that I will be able to pop out the beads and remove my earrings if necessary.

And to get several spike ends, just in case of loss.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Devil of a Speech

I really enjoyed "The Devil Wears Prada". It was a tiny bit fluffy, but Dame Streep simply makes the film a confection of gutpunches.

Take her oh-so-cutting speech concerning assistant Andi's cable knit 'blue' sweater. Here is a rough transcription of it:

"You go to your closet, and you select out, I don't know, that lumpy blue sweater for instance, because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don't know, is that that sweater is not just blue, it's not turqouise, it's not lapis: it's actually cerulean. And you are also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar De Le Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint-Laurent, wasn't it, who showed cerulean military jackets (I think we need a jacket here) and then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of 8 different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic casual corner where you, no doubt fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs, and it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you're wearing a sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room, from a pile of stuff."

Andi needed some mecurichrome and some gauze after that shredding.

Juvenile Delinquency

I'm a 10-year old boy when it comes to toilet humor. Its embarassing to admit, but unerringly true. I'm nothing if not honest with myself. Mostly.

The first South Park I ever saw involved Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo. I laughed my ass off. If you need more proof, go to my posting called "One Deposit, One Return" from a couple months ago. You'll see.

Today, for example, I found myself nearly unable to contain my laughter when I heard our CEO blowing up the men's cubicle. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him head in. A few minutes later I had the misfortune to be at the sinks to rinse out my coffee cup. What did that man eat?? My guess it was something like General Tso's Chili Dogs. Given the amount of audibles, he was evidently just changing the lineup before a touchdown.

Now, I was in there for perhaps a minute, tops. YOu think he could have held back the balloon-knot squeeking until after I had left. I know that whenever I hear someone enter the bathroom, unless i'm in middle of operation dumbo drop, I stop whatever I'm doing like a deer caught in headlights.

(Everyone will be gratified to note that I contained my amusement until I was well on my way to the coffee urn).

Another telltale sign of my 12 year old mentality is that I find an insane level of humor in a website where people submit photographs of their piles for you to vote on.

I'm warning you, the website quite literally shows a lot of shit. I started rating the deuces, and the more doodie I rated, the more I started laughing. By the end, I was cackling like a psych ward patient.

Seriously, this shit cracks me up! (puns intended, of course)

Evidently, the long, coily turd is de rigeur on the website. My favorites are perhaps the spattery ones, especially when not completely contained within the bowl.

Awhile ago on this website, there was a picture of an airplane or bus toilet where the person obviously couldn't make it to a seated position before a violent expulsion. Either that or there was a severe pothole or airpocket involved. The spatter ranged from the seat to the WALL! I shit you not! I laughed so hard I nearly sharted!

So, if potty humor is as much your thing as it is mine, I highly recommend spending a few minutes at ratemypoo.

The shit's worth it.

P.S. I just remembered- for animated turds you should go to

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Piano stripper

Something to perk everyone up on a tuesday. I know I perked up!!

Monday, August 28, 2006

You say its your birthday....

Well, it was my birthday too.


This past saturday I turned a whopping 37 (aka 26... 12 times). I really wasn't looking forward to this one at all. But with the help of friends (and numerous shots) I somehow made it through the rain.

Birtday Saturday was a good day. I woke up moderately early (9 am) puttered around the house, and made myself a new iTunes playlist for the day. And then was off to grab my favorite breakie (sesame bagel and smoked salmon). I transport said breakie to a coffeeshop near Duke University in order to enjoy a hefty cup of java and some free wireless. It was all good.

Did some music downloading. Did some searching online for things to buy. Then it was off to the carwash to clean up my baby! He (Jack) needed a good bath and it always makes me feel better when I clean my car.

Then volleyball. And I got 'birthday volleyball'! I played VERY well, and I got to play doubles with G-man. Not only is he kinda cute, but we played well together. One play in particular the other team ripped a spike, I stabbed back a dig, they tried to hit again, I dug again, G set me, and I hit a line shot that killed the point. We totally hi-fived on that one and he said, 'now THAT'S birthday volleyball!'


Got home and I had a big box waiting for me from K-dog from Stage right Stage left. He had sent me an overnight package and in it were lots of individually wrapped prezzies (in star wars wrapping paper, mind you). I won't go into the details of what all I got, but it was a lot of fun stuff and watchable stuff and displayable stuff. Big thanks to him for all of that- it was a great package.

Then Kev came up for a day of shopping and drunken debauchery. We first went to a piercing place to get me some new earrings. What a mistake, as it took FOREVER just to get me some new half circle earrings with spikes on the end. And to top it all off, I've already lost one of the fucking end spikes!!! UGGGH!!! (probably playing volleyball on sunday).

After that, a bit of food and a bit of shopping. Then home to get ready for a night out. But what I didn't know was that Kevin had secretly invited some guys over (David and Dan) and they surprised me with a cake! Very sweet of them all!

Then it was out clubbing- where I didn't pay for anything, and I got a shitload of free alcohol. I got shots (purple hooter, red headed slut, buttery nipple, kamikaze) and beer. It was insane... mostly because I NEVER do shots. I was fucked up- but not insanely fucked up.

Most of my drinking was done by 12:30, so I coasted until 2:30 with water and dancing.

It was a good time.

Sunday was a bleary day, but I still managed to play some good volleyball.

All in all, not a bad b-day weekend. No sex, and I was still alone at the end of it all, but that's ok. Really it is. :-)

Friday, August 25, 2006

Hot Man Haiku #7

Cardinal QB
Hot Jock with your Curly Mop
Give me a Trojan...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

New Benny Benassi - Satisfaction

This versions of 'satisfaction' made me laugh out loud. And get a chubby.

Bizarre Dreams

Evidently a pepperoni, garlic, and tomato pizza is the food equivalent of dropping acid.

I had seriously fucked up dreams last night.


I was on a pontoon boat in Lake Michigan near Chicago. But Chicago was now actually on a narrow bay and an island. We were between the island-chicago and chicago proper. I could tell the weather was getting stormy-- like twister weather. I could hear a storm coming from the other side of the island and the lightning started to get fierce.

My friends were skinnydipping in the water and hanging off the boat. They convinced me to join them. I stripped and jumped off the boat and promptly sank down 20 feet. I could see the moonlight above me through the water, and their legs treading water. When I finally struggled to the surface, I had drifted many feet away from the boat.

I started swimming for the boat, but the current was carrying me toward chicago proper. I struggled but could only keep my relative position; the current was too strong. And now I could really hear the wind roaring on the other side of the island. I told my friends that I couldn't make it back so i was going ashore. One of the boat-friends let go of the boat in order to join me.

We swam toward the beach and chicago. Just as we hit the shore, the storm broke and we could hear a freight-train noise. I looked over to the left and saw the tornado coming over the island and heading for downtown chicago. My friend and I ran for the rocks at the edge of the beach. The roar of the tornado was deafening.

We dove for cover- him first, and me protecting him- both still naked. Debris started flying everywhere. I could hear breaking glass and felt it hit me in the back. But the brunt of the storm missed us.

When the roaring subsided, we stood up and started walking for downtown Chicago. We could see the twister winding its way down Michigan avenue, blowing out windows...


This one involved K-dog from stage right-stage left. And some of his friends whom I have never met (like Landry from pissy-rabbits). This is going to be a short overview, because the details of this one are hazy.

K-dog was involved in a gay-rights lawsuit. Something to do with being fired for being gay. His primary lawyer in the case was Landry- but landry looked a lot like Delana from Rock Star Supernova. Lots of tattoos and piercings. Her dress for court consisted of jeans and a chain belt, boots, a black tank top, and armbands. Her assistant lawyer was a big, beefy guy in a bad, plaid shirt and khakis.

I was apparently there as a witness or for moral support. The case was getting lots of publicity. I needed to get dressed for court, so I snuck off to the bathroom in the courthouse.

The stall doors were old-timey, swinging, saloon doors. I went in the last stall and started changing. I looked up when I heard a noise, and Landry was peering at me from above the stall wall. I quickly covered my nethers.

Then K-dog showed up and started talking to me right outside the stall doors as Landry laughed at my modesty. Then we all headed up to court, but the trial had been delayed.

Bizarre shit, right? I might have another hit of cold pizza tonight before bed!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

benny benassi - satisfaction (video)

This has got to be one of my favorite videos in recent history. I love the sexuality of it, and the song rocks!!

God- am I turning straight?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Wheels on the Bus...

Have you ever noticed that the wheels in car commercials look like they are spinning in reverse?

I saw a commercial last night for some random, plain, non-eye catching, american car (probably a Ford) and the wheels appeared to be turning backward. Upon review, I think MOST car commercials have at least one moment showing the car driving down a bucolic road, where the wheels appear to be slowly rotating backward.

Is this by design? Do the car commercial people deliberately plan this? Do they implant subliminal messages in these wheels?

This morning I tried to figure out how this phenomenon occurs. What follows is my pathetic mathmatical attempt to solve this mystery:

BACKGROUND: TV cameras film at roughly 60 frames a second. Therefore, if a wheel is rotating at roughly 59 rotations per second, then there will be a strobe-like offset and the wheel will appear to rotate backwards. I got this from a science website.

ASSUMPTION: A five spoke wheel would technically only have to rotate one fifth as much, as you would not be able to distinguish one spoke from the other. Therefore, a wheel would only have to rotate slightly less than 12 rotations per second.

Also for the purposes of this, I am saying a tire is 24 inches in diameter.


Circumference of wheel = pi x 24 inches = 75.4 inches.

for strobing: 59 revolutions/sec x 75.4 inches/rev = 4448.6 inches/sec

Only technically need 1/5 as much travel due to five spoke wheel assumption so----

4448.6 in/sec x 1/5 = 889.7 in/sec

(889.7 in/sec x 3600 sec/hr) divided by 12 in/ft = 266910 ft/hr

266910 ft/hr divided by 5280 ft/mile = 50.5 miles/hr

SO: If a car in a car commercial has 5 spoke wheels and is driving somewhere in the upper 40's to 50 miles an hour, you are gonna get that strobe effect that makes the wheels look like they are moving in reverse.

I bet you that its sort of an accident that it happens, really. It sounds fairly reasonable that if one were to film a moving car, it would be done in the 40 - 50 mph range. Shows good motion of the vehicle, blurs the background, easy for the film crew to keep up, etc.

Its either that, or the commercial crew actually sits down, measures the vehicle tire diameter, looks at the wheel spoke configuration and calculates what speed the car needs to be traveling in order to create the noted effect.

Occam's Razor, baby.

Monday, August 21, 2006

My weekend: drunken crying to cunt-muffins

I've been rather melancholy lately.

Its a lot of things, really: job sucks, being single sucks, turning 37 sucks, having no good friends in NC sucks, and so on. So to break out of my funk-cycle, I decided to do a couple things this weekend.

Friday- I went to a 'bar takeover' in Durham. Its where a bunch of fags decend on some poor, unsuspecting Pub and make it fabalously gay for an evening. To me it is vaguely reminiscent of a seen from Hitchcock's 'The Birds'- but only the birds are well-groomed. If you can picture 100 or more gays packed into a bar with two, straight bartenders trying desperately to mix Cosmo after Cosmo... well, then you get "The Birds" reference.

The Durham event was smaller, but still fun. And the belgian beers got me absolutely toasty. Which was a good thing because I was stood up.

A boy that we'll call 'David' (for that's his name) had agreed to meet me at said bar for said takeover at 7 pm. You must realize that I am sort of in love with him. Mostly because he's handsome, stocky, smart, artistic, well-read, has the bluest eyes, and obviously wants nothing whatsoever to do with me. All big turn-ons for me!

When 7:40 rolled around, I realized that he wasn't coming. Again. Because, you see, I had agreed to meet him at a bar once before, and he stood me up then too! How foolish am I to do a repeat on this?

So I went home (inebriated), popped in a frozen pizza, and watched "Narnia". I loved these books so much as a child, and the movie is amazing. Some of the editing choices are fantastic (music, slo mo sequences, camera angles, cinematography). Some portions of the movie make me cry they are so beautifully done. And because they make me relive exactly how much I wanted to be in that story as a child. I wanted to be one of the Pevensie childred, doing heroic deeds to save Narnia.

So I cried some as I wolfed down my pizza.

To erase Friday from existence, I played some killer volleyball on Saturday afternoon, and then went out to the Eagle (leather bar) in Charlotte on Saturday night. I went to the Eagle with Kevin.

It was fun, as always, but not a memborable evening. The best part of the whole thing was Kevin making brunch on Sunday and then eating it while watching "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." Kevin can really wrestle up some grub, and we had a totally southern breakfast (Neese's sausage, biscuits, grits, eggs, and juice). Let me just say, that now that I've discovered Neese's sausage, I'll never eat Jimmy Dean again or slap my mouth!

Oh, the other best part was laughing about the Liam Show's muffin video and coming up with our own muffin flavors. I can't even remember all of our rancid choices but the last one was 'cunt'. We stopped there.

Nothing like a cunt-flavored muffin to take your mind off your troubles!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

New Blog taste, same blog content

HEY! New digs!

Ok, so I had some work done. I'll admit it- unlike some hollywood celebrities (and Ashlee Simpson). It was time. The old format was sagging a bit. And truth be told- who doesn't like being unique in the universe?

So I enlisted the help of a few trusted friends.

BIG shout out to Brian on Cheap Blue Guitar for the assistance on the code and formatting and such. Without him, none of the change would have been possible.

And to K-dog from Stage Right Stage left. He was very insistant on getting photographer credit for the new banner picture at the top of the page. He snapped that as I posed- looking longingly at my favorite statue in the world... the Discus Thrower at the British Museum.

(dont tell anyone, but I touched the statue's foot!)

Of course, I had to elongate and crop the fuck out of the picture. But still, give credit where credit is due.

I'm excited by the modified look. Let me know what y'all think too.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Coochie Coochie!

I absolutely adore Charo!

I have no idea why really, I just do. She's fun-- spicy even! I love the castillian lispy accent thing coupled with her smoky voice. Of course she's also all about exaggerated sexuality, with boobs for days (not that I'm a boob man, mind you, I'm more about the ass). And the spanglish- my GOD the spanglish! Its such a rapid-fire mix of broken, heavy accent english and burred 'R' spanish that one can't help but admire the facility in which she moves between the two.

And you must give her props for mastering her schtick. She is comedic and a good performer and doesn't take herself too seriously. Anyone who shakes their maracas and has the catchphrase "coochie coochie" simply can NOT take themselves too seriously.

Of course you know she is also smart as a whip. She'd have to be to play that sexual comedic blonde performer role in two languages simulaneously. I'd love to explore the Charo behind the Charo.

I first fell in love with her during the Love Boat (and Fantasy Island) era. When she would be a guest star on shows-- like the stowaway on board the Love Boat! Priceless. I think she stowed aboard in a steamer trunk. Or when she would be on variety shows with the likes of Lonnie Anderson, The Captain and Tenille, Jerry Lewis, Susan Anton, Ali McGraw, Waylan and Madam, and the like.

God those were the days!

I recently rediscovered Charo when she started doing commercials again. First was a Sprint cellphone ad, with the guy in the trenchcoat talking to her about phone service. She threw in a "ai coochie" at the end of the ad. I think I popped a boner...

And now there is a Geico ad where they use her as a 'celebrity spokesperson' to help the real Geico customer relay how Geico really helped him out. "CCCCWhat am I gonna do? CCCCwhere am I going? Ccccchalp!"

I'm in love. Ai Coochie!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Blog Updates!

Hiya folks!

Ok- I was gratified to notice that I now appear to have some readers in New Zealand. I just want to say that New Zealand is my favourite country in the world. From their stance on being a 'nuke free zone' to their tenacious effort to keep their environment clean, you gotta love 'em! And man is the country beautiful!

A big shout out goes to a peep in the Persian Gulf area... I wish I could zoom in to see exactly where you are, but hey. You know where you are.

Also of note- three different sites in Brazil (woo hoo! reserve me a space on the beach for Carnivale)

And South Africa! Gaan kok in die millies! (My spelling is awful- its supposed to be that phrase "go shit in the buckwheat". It was taught to me by an Afrikaaner that I used to fuck.

And Hawaii! Mahalo! Aloha! You suck for living in paradise...

Also note, I have added a few more places to go. Knottyboy is now in the blog role, as is this cool blog page from england (jocko homo).

More to come...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Kapa O Pango

This fucking ROCKS MY WORLD! Its like hotty rugby line dancing...

Hot man Haiku # 6.02X10^23

Ali and Carlos
AllBlacks Rugby... Say no more
Get you 'scrum' of this!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Euphemisms for "Semen"

I haven't done one of my disgusting posts in awhile. And I SOOOOO love these!

Here is a small collection of alternate 'fun' terms for semen. Enjoy!

Baby Batter (my personal fav)
Clotted Cream
Dick Cream
Slime (or dick slime)
Hot vanilla
man glue
man seed
nut butter
ball juice
cock vomit
cock spit
man milk

If you have any favorites that aren't on the list, please add them! As always, I love to increase my vocabulary.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Good Weekend... of sorts

One more weekend gone- one week closer to my birthday. Sigh.

It was pretty good weekend. Here is a short list of events and goodliness (and not so goodliness):

1) The Cavaliers WON DCI on Saturday night with a 97.3 or so. That's awesome! Championship #7 (fifth in the past six years or so). Way to go Green Machine! Their show truly deserved to win- it was incredible. Big shout out to K-dog who texted me the scores while I was at the bar, so that I would stop freaking out.

2) Film Festival went well- or at least I think it did. I saw several committee members and everyone was very nice to me. Almost as if I wasn't a pariah at all! I pruchased tickets to three films at the festival:

Fat Girls- all about teen angst and coming to terms with being gay in high school... and getting in touch with your inner 'fat girl'. Very funny.

Boy Culture- very slick, very high production values, good script, handsome cast, and about finding love and making it work. Played very well on the big screen.

Amnesia- French Canadian film about a guy who wakes up and doesnt' remember anything other than that he is gay. Or is he? What happened to him? Why is he like this? Based on a true story.

3) T-n-T from the River's Edge (our 'hey neighbors' from the cabins) came to visit me on Saturday evening and I took them to a film (Boy Culture) and out to the bars afterward. It was leather night at Flex, and good dance music night at CC's. We had fun- or at least I did. I hope they had fun in Durham. They are a very nice couple and fun to hang with. AND they put up with my drum corps fetish!!!!

(and NO, I didn't shag them-- geez!)

4) Met a VERY hot man at the bar on Saturday. We'll call him 'Chris'- because that's his name. 6'3" or so, 220 or so, shoulders for days, beard, drop dead gorgeous, blue eyes, 30something, single, and (here's the kicker), SMART. Now doesn't THAT just suck! Hot and dumb I can deal with. But this one is hot and smart. That's never a good combo... always leads to heartache.

I was introduced to him by a friend. Decided to set phasers on 'charm'... but only MEDIUM charm. Full charm is just too devastating for mortals (plus it would really suck to pull out the big guns and STILL be rejected). We chatted a lot of the night and drank. It was very pleasant. But then he left and I never got his digits.

<<< big girl moment ihn>>>

He is totally hot and hunky and smart and funny I like him a real real lot but I don't think he knows that I exist. And now I'll never see him again. So should I just waste myself and spare myself the agony?

<<< moment over >>>

5) We are back to 'big brunches' on sunday. We used to have the "Invite everyone you know who is gay" brunches at a place in Durham every sunday morning. However, that disappeared in favor of small, intimate brunches with my core group of friends. But now we are back to big brunches.

Honestly? the 12 people there made the brunch conversation rather unwieldy. I had to work to institute moments of cross-corner conversation. That's just too much effort to put into brunch- especially after drinking the night before and being tired.

6) Got very melancholy on Sunday. DCI is over for the summer. Film Festival is over for the summer. SUMMER is nearly over for the summer. School is getting ready to start. My birthday is just around the corner. I'm still single (going on 5 years now) and spent saturday with a couple. I loathe my job. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Every so often this stuff seeps in through the chinks in my stucco facade of cheerfulness.

It sucks when it does.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Conspiracy Theory

I love me some conspiracy theories- the more outlandish and involving government plots, the better.

I love movies and tv shows that involve secret government activities that just fuck with your mind and also tend to fuck with the main character's lives. But even more than that, I enjoy pondering the conspiracies that fuck with us in real life.

Like the theories on how Bush got elected. Then RE-elected. You know- fixing the florida vote, and then fixing the Ohio vote. Or how we finally found and bombed Al-Zarqawi. Stuff like that.

My newest theory involves this recent "foiled" airline bombing plot. I think there's something fishy here. What I think happened is that our government was behind the plot and actually initiated it AND then leaked info to the Brits so they could foil it. I bet you we controlled the whole thing from the very beginning.

I mean, why not? Nobody got hurt. We've arrested 19 or so nameless, faceless Muslims in Britain. We've reinforced that we are still "at war" and that we are being successful in the battle. And the biggest upshot is that we have increased the 'terror factor' in the United States again.

By keeping us afraid, the current administration keeps hold of power. A fearful nation is less likely to make governmental changes. And given the current polls about how displeased our country is with the war, the economy, and the direction as a whole- what better way for the Bush administration to shift focus?

A good ol' terrorist plot is just what the doctor ordered! Maybe it will help the republicans retain some of their seats in the upcoming elections.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hot Man Haiku #44

Made you big... then you dump Chip
for Lance Bass? Really??

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Drum Corps Finals Start TOMORROW!

I'm a band fag.

Yup, I freely admit it. HUGE band geek all the way though Grad School, if you can believe it. In fact, I still play the trombone and baritone in a local concert band. It gives me joy-- and frustration as K-dog will attest.

I doubt I would have been so band-faggoty, had it not been for the incredibly strong music program in my community growing up. As you know, I grew up in the middle of Iowa- home of Meredith Wilson (of Music Man fame). River City, Iowa doesn't exist... but Mason City does! And how can you live in small town, iowa and NOT have a band program, really?

So my music education naturally funneled me into becoming a proud member of the "Marching Hawks". Go Maroon! Go Gold!

Ok, so what if our band uniforms looked as if someone fed a monkey a tube of glitter and then let it fling shit on a white leisure suit? We still rocked and were one of the best marching bands in the STATE!

This brings me to Drum and Bugle Corps. You can't be a brass player or percussionist in a good marching band and NOT know of these guys.

They are the band geek equivalent of "Gods of the Stadium".

Drum and Bugle Corps are like marching bands in a way. If you were to take a marching band, strip out all the piddly-ass woodwinds, beef it up with all brass instruments that can hit 110 decibels, and then feed them all a healthy dose of cocaine before performing.

These guys seriously MOVE! And it isn't just moving... its perfectly syncronized movement with jaw dropping drill. All while playing orchestral level music.

I liken it to what Cirque du Soleil would put on the field, if they actually played instruments while doing their movement.

In College (at Northwestern- another stellar music and marching program) I had the honor of auditioning and making the Cavaliers Drum and Bugle Corps out of Rosemont, Illinois. They are arguably one of the best Drum Corps ever and it was a real coup for me to get to march with them. It was insanely hard work. It was insanely rewarding. And I shall always look back on it (while wiping away one, glistening tear) as one of those incredible life experiences that can't be repeated.


Drum Corps develop and perfect an 11 minute show during the course of the summer and tour around to various communities near you to perform it. In the second week of August, the International finals are held. This year the finals are in Madison and they happen on Saturday night. The last time they were in Madison, I was there and watched my Cavaliers perform a nearly flawless show and score the highest point total in DCI history.

Tomorrow night are the Quarterfinals (which I'll be watching broadcast live in a theater in Raleigh). My beloved Cavaliers are performing last as they have been winning the last part of the summer. But they aren't winning by much, and its giving me an ulcer.

I am seriously a geek about this stuff. If the Cavaliers win, I'll be on cloud 9. If they lose to the Blue Devils (the winningest corps in the history of DCI) then I'll be crushed.

Everyone, I'm asking you to keep your fingers crossed and to send up a silent prayer that the Cavaliers pull out yet another stunning victory in 2006.

"Oh the Wells Fargo Wagon is a comin' down the street, oh PLEASE let it be for me..."

Monday, August 07, 2006

Black Listed!!!!!!!!!!

I just learned that I was kicked off the North Caroliina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival committee. The reason, you ask?

My blog.

Yup. The powers that be for the theater and the festival got wind of my blog, read it, and took umbrage with what I wrote. I don't think they were offended by my most recent posting, unless they didn't like the fact that I listed some of my personal favorite films. The schedule was already posted at that time and all machinations were well underway.

Looking back in time, I think the posting in question dates back to May or June and is entitled "the Nadir of Gay Cinema". A very bleak statement to be sure.

If you go back and read it, I was admittedly fairly harsh. Funny-- yet harsh. But I stand by my take on gay cinema of several months back. You try watching hours upon hours of poorly executed movies and then check YOUR mindset. Yes, I know that a lot of film makers and actors poured their heart and soul (and wallets) into realizing their vision. And for that they are to be commended; it takes guts to follow your dream and make it a reality.

But sometimes I think the artists are too close to their work to really 'see' it. That's what film festivals and selection committees are for.

My only regret with my initial post, is that I didn't say enough positive things about the films that weren't schlock. And trust me, most of the films that eventually made this year's festival aren't schlocky at all. That's because out of well over 100 films and shorts (I think the number of submissions was closer to 200), 12 full length feature films were chosen, and about 16 shorts- give or take. And a couple of the full length films are documentaries.

200 films. 30 chosen. You do the math on that, and what it equals is that there are a bunch that didn't make the cut. And why didn't they make the cut? Because they flat-out weren't good.

We now live in an age where nearly every sitcom and comedic hollywood movie has a gay character or touches on gay themes at some point. Hell, there are even gay NETWORKS. There have even been some large budget gay hollywood films. Because of this, we've moved so far beyond just making a gay film because "there aren't any movies that have gay content". The bar has been raised.

And a lot of what I saw didn't clear that bar.

What DID clear the bar I gave firm recommendations for (and yes, I did recommend at least 9 full length features and probably 10 shorts). And all of these films ended up in the program for this weekend, which makes me glad. I feel like it was a job well done.

Now-for the reasons that I think they are pissed:

1) The post sounded like the festival was going to be terrible. Yeah, i can see how that might be the take away from the blog, which is why I said my only regret was that i wan't more positive about the good stuff.

2) They thought I spilled too much information about the films before the program was set. Well, this I disagree about, since I ranted in general terms about the types of films I saw. And all i did was recommend some of my particular favorites and said if you can get to 'any' film festival I would recommend looking them up. When I wrote the post, I didn't even know what we were going to show, if any of them because the group hadn't selected them yet and the theater hadn't booked them. So in retrospect I did a good job with my recommendations, because most of them DID end up in the program.

3) They thought I was too harsh on some of the films and was too specific about their subject matter. I didn't actually name any of the films that I disliked. And if by talking about their general content was specific enough to name the film and thereby offend the artists- all I can say is welcome to Criticism 101. If you are gonna put it out there, be prepared.

4) They are offended by my blog's general content and don't want the festival associated with it. Now that's just silly in my opinion. Its free publicity and lord knows the festival here in NC could use all the publicity it can get.

5) They are offended by my most recent posting about the festival for some reason. Since the schedule was already in the paper at that point, maybe they didn't like the fact that I actually recommended specific films. If so, I don't get that at all.

Now for reasons that I'M pissed:

1) Nobody ever informed me that I was kicked off the committee. How did I find out? I called today to ask if I had missed a meeting notice or something because the festival was nearly upon us and I hadn't heard anything about my assignment. Since it was only my second year on the thing, I think I can be forgiven for not noticing sooner that I had been omitted from the loop.

Now for reasons that I'm sad:

1) Nobody informed me that I was kicked off the committee. I was just cast aside. I realize that evidently I REALLY pissed off some people, but you know something? Grow up about it. Give me a call and say, "Hey Chris. Read your blog. Uncool. You were rotten and now we don't want you to participate." Something. Anything would have been appreciated. But silence? That's just sad in my book. And basically an indictment against our 'community' in general. No wonder the straights won't let us get married. After all, it should be illegal for children to get hitched.

2) I was really looking forward to the festival, and now its just anticlimactic. I have been talking it up to all my friends. Telling every gay guy I met about the strong lineup of films and basically hawking the festival to drum up support. Now it feels spurious.

So, I think I'll still try to go to the festival. After all, I DID help choose the films and there's one or two films I'd like to see on the big screen. I won't be attending reception, however. I think that would just be too weird. But no matter what I end up going to see, I'll be paying for my tickets instead of using the free ones that are reserved for me.

Maybe my $16 dollar donation will go toward making the festival that much better in the future.

Weekend Adventures in the Woods

This weekend was very different for me, seeing as how I went to a gay (and lesbian) clothing optional camp in B.F.E., Georgia.

That's right. I went to a gay nudist camp.

It was actually an incredible amount of fun and the people were great! I went with Kev-Kev and two of his friends named Dave and Dan (sorta like the decathetes- but in name only). Dave and Dan had been there before a couple times, and they convinced Kevin to go, who asked me to go for moral support.

And they told their friends, and they told their friends and so on and so on and so on!

It was only semi-camping really as I had my own little 'cabin' with a bed and an AC unit. The camping part involved the gang shower and toilet facilities, the peeing outdoors, the eating from coolers, the mosquitos, the wooded trails, etc.

Anyway, I took friday off and we drove down in D+D's yukon. The suitcases were small (towels, swimsuits, some shorts and t-shirts) and the coolers were huge (food, beer, liquor, etc). We got there early afternoon on Friday and hit the pool.

A bit about the weekend: I think the theme was some sort of 'Bear' weekend. Not everyone was 'bearish' but there were quite a few (including D+D). Kevin and I fit more in the 'cub' range I suppose...

As Kev and I were newbies, we wore swimsuits (plus I like tan lines, I really do!) Most everyone else was just naked as a jaybird. And the nakedness wasn't really alarming at all- it was all just so casual. And the vast quantities of alcohol imbibed helped a little.

We played pool volleyball, drank, and laughed all afternoon and the pool got pretty busy. Unfortunately, the music choices were country and NPR, which at a gay gathering leaves a bit to be desired. We rectified that the following day.

Every Friday night there is a party at one of the perma-trailers at the site (yes, some people have trailers and getaways there). Its called the blue light special and it drew quite a crowd, in spite of the thunderstorm that rolled through. Too bad for the rain though, because the hosts had to take down their leather sling from out back of their trailer. Yes. A Sling.

Met a bunch of very nice guys, including the hosts of the party. We all got drunk on their lemon lightning punch (everclear or vodka, who knows?) And it was at this party where I met a very nice couple that I would end up having relations with later on Saturday night. They actually hosted the Saturday night party at their trailer (more on that later).

Saturday was spent at the pool. All day. From 11 - 6 or so. I haven't done that since I was 15, and you know something? It was a fucking BLAST! The first day standoffish jittery-ness was gone. I was shucking my drawers to go swimming, and by the end of the day I just left them off. And I drank a lot and played volleyball a lot and flirted with numerous men a LOT. Even Kevin was more comfy with the whole scene and D+D were completely naked all day.

Oh, and we met our very nice cabin neighbors (T+T). I have their contact info. Great guys. Very fun. One loves drum and bugle corps and one loves engineering. I was in heaven!

AND I met a guy that marched in the Crossmen drum and bugle corps at the pool on Friday. Go figure! DCI is everywhere!

The music at the pool was better on Saturday because WE brought it. Kev-kev likes to make mix CDs, especially for events. This mix was called "Bear Necessities" the River's Edge mix. It had the new Christina on it, and Rhianna, and the Kylie Minogue/Prodigy mix. VERY cool stuff (very fab and timely) and the fags at the pool ate it up with a spoon. It was seriously 'music dipped in chocolate served in an abercrombie model's ass' good!

Party on Saturday night was at M+J's place (the couple i mentioned a few paragraphs ago). I had been heavily flirting with both of them all day (it was fun to make Mikey get hard at the pool!) The music was kicking, the liquor free, and the people fun.

Now honestly I don't recall much as I got toasty, but I shucked my shorts midway through the party and then proceded to do moves from thriller, wonder woman, and other dance move classics. I must say, doing Michael Jackson moves while naked tends to get a bit "floppy" down there! But everyone was laughing (including myself) and we had a great time. (Oh, and Kevin got naked at this party too!! you GO gurlfrund!)

I hung around late at M+J's- and that's when things got interesting. I was drunk and feeling pretty good but I do recall snapshots like there being several people around me while I was getting some 'service'. There were some other things happening too- which I won't go into here. But I will say it did boil down to m+J and I, and there may or may not have been a sling involved.

We all ended up back at the pool that night and many were frolicking about until 3 am or so.

Sunday we got up mid morning and drove back. Very anticlimactic ending to a great weekend.

It was a crazy weekend. And it really stretched my comfort zone, which can be a good thing. Heh, heh... streching.... comfort zone...(insert devilish smile here!)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Cavaliers 2006

The summer is drawing to a close, and my beloved Cavaliers are ripping it up! I really hope they win. And this new ending to their show is absolutely killer!


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Hot Man Haiku # 3.14159

Jason Varitek
Catcher for the World Champ Sox
I'll be your pitcher

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival!!

Its nearly time for the 11th Annual North Carolina Gay and Lesbian Film Festival!

Its an unwieldy title, I know. I've tried to suggest other monikers (something like "QueerFrame Film Festival" or my favorite "The Cine-Mo") but no such luck. We're stuck with the title from hell.

Anyway, the festival occurs next weekend (the second weekend in august). I'm excited because for the second year in a row, I've been on the film selection committee.

All of the films that I recommended were selected for this year's program, which I am happy about. Unfortunately, some films that I wholeheartedly 'anti-selected' were also included... but there were only two of those.

The fun begins next Thursday with opening night festivities that include a comedy concert by Margaret Cho! Also included in this festival is Tab Hunter- who will be signing books and doing a meet and greet. We are also showing "Lust in the Dust" which is an older gay cowboy romp that he features.

Because I was on the committee I get some free tickets, I get to meet the producers, actors, and directors that come, I get to be an official 'host' for one of the filmmakers, do preshow announcements, etc. Its going to be a ton of fun- and exhausting at the same time.

I'm excited.... giddy even!

And here is a short list of films and shorts that I recommend (in no particular order). Look them up on for more info:

Fat Girls
Coffee Date
Longterm Relationship
Boy Culture
La Fidanzata
Guess who I saw today
Man Seeking Man
Room Service
Mormor's Visit
Proteus Point
Sissy French Fry

Come on down and sit a spell!