Celebrity Watch

Who knew that I played volleyball with such a celebrity?

I play volleyball with a group of guys (some girls sometimes) on the weekends when the weather is nice. I'm generally the only gay guy in the group, but I represent our side well. This is not a league- it more resembles a pickup game. But it isn't random pickup since the same guys show up all the time.

Anyway, I play with a guy named James Boyle. He just happens to be a Law professor at Duke university. In addition to doing his law thingy, he plays volleyball quite well.

Several weeks back I hear him talking about a book that he's just finished. I was getting ready to play, so I only listened in a cursory sort of fashion. I figured it was like a book of law papers or proceedings or statutes or something law-ish.

Not so as it turns out.

Imagine my surprise when I'm out for lunch yesterday and I click on the radio (NPR of course) and I start listening to an interview with a guy that sounds remarkably similar to Dr. Boyle.

How did I know it was him? Timbre of the voice, for one. But also because of his turns of phrase and his humor. He's quite British, so everything sounds fancy when he speaks. Hell, in my opinion you can slap a cockney accent on someone reading a toilet manual and it sounds fancy. But his really IS a fancy accent. And then you add the quick-witted humor. It was definitely him.

He's actually written a NOVEL- not a book-- called "The Shakespeare Chronicles". And the premise concerns a man who is out to prove who REALLY wrote Shakespear's plays. You know that there is a conspiracy theory out there that Shakespeare was a myth... or that he didn't actually write the works attributed to him.

Dr. Boyle (Jimmy B to me) read a passage from the book on NPR, and I found it quite engaging. I can't wait to read it!

How cool that I randomly play volleyball with a published author? Oh, and he's working on a graphic novel too.

Suddenly I feel much less "D-list".

Christmas "chopin"

I had a very good piano lesson last night.

Currently I'm playing one of Frydryk Chopin's Etudes- specifically his Etude in f-minor. I love playing his music, even though it is very challenging for me. He really makes the pianist work to make his music sound beautiful. What I mean by that is, his piano pieces are elegant and aurally perfect, but are less perfect for the hands.

To put it another way, the pieces can be a bitch to play.

Not super-bitchy, mind you, and not downright cunty like Rachmaninoff, but definitely not comfy like Debussy.

And this piece really isn't one of his more difficult ones, but it still involves quite a bit of left hand movement at large intervals and also some 5 against 6 playing- hence the bitchiness for me.

However, the piece just absolutely wrecks me emotionally, which is why I chose to play it. There is one moment after the return to the first theme where Chopin breaks into F-major, but only for the briefest moment, and then it dives right back into this stabbing b-flat minor chord of some sort with an additional C--- shit I don't know what the hell chord it is, but it comes at you like a scene at the end of an action movie where the hero survives everything and the music swells and he's smiling at the camera and then BANG! He gets shot dead.

Its like that- but the piece keeps going, and building and crescendoing until FINALLY finding f-minor again.

I don't play it as fast as good ol' Vlad does, but his recording has the most angst that I've found.

Hot Man Haiku #007

Double-Oh-Sexy
Rugged, Rough Trade Bond. Fuck my
manpussy galore!

Breastfeeding for Dummies

This shit really chaps my ass.

Stop me if you've heard this one: a woman sues the airlines for kicking her off for allegedly "breastfeeding her baby".... Hell, she was kicked off for not covering up with a blanket DURING the breastfeeding when she was asked to by the flight attendant.

And I firmly agree- kick the bitch off!

I don't want to see breastfeeding... ever. I don't care if its natural, or good for the baby, or whatever. You can pump breastmilk and then bottle feed the child for crying out loud. Its called 'planning ahead'. The fucking milk doesn't have to come straight from the tap to be beneficial.

And I haven't even mentioned the really creepy part of the story. The baby was nearly 2 years old! The kid is probably walking and talking at this point, and STILL on the teat?? REALLY???? I'm sorry, but in my book, if the kid is old enough to ask for milk then its old enough for a sippy cup- and not a "C" cup.

Last time I checked, someone else's personal rights and freedoms end where mine begin. And I have the right and freedom NOT to witness a 2 year old sucking his mom's tit. Or HEAR it for that matter.

Heaven help the woman who tries to breastfeed on a plane in the seat next to me.

Cry Baby

I found a reference to this cartoon in our newspaper letters to the editor section. So I looked it up and started bawling at my desk at work.

You see, I adopted a greyhound and he had to be put to sleep almost exactly one year ago.

I'm not going to talk about the night I had to have him put to sleep- its just too painful. I still feel horribly guilt about it all, and I will never completely forgive myself for signing the paper to have him put to sleep. I feel guilty just killing spiders in my house, so you can imagine....

Anyway, I had heard that greyhounds are so gentle and loving and their life stories are so rotten that I just had to adopt one. Greyhounds are so attention starved, that they just bond to you if you show them the slightest bit of affection. They also love stuffed animals and will carry their favorite around like a child.

I visited the adoption place for a preliminary visit and had a greyhound all picked out- her name was "Arc of Joan". Then we had a terrible snowstorm and I had to wait an extra week before I went back. When I finally was able to get back to the place, the director pulled me aside and talked me out of Joan. She was a young Alpha female and would be a handful and was not recommended for a first timer and a single dog household. But there was another dog available-- named Tully O'ran.

Tully had been adopted out before to a man and woman where he had lived for a couple years. But then the wife got pregnant and decided that she didn't want a big dog around. So they brought him back. That made me so sad that my heart just went out to him.

An hour later, Tully was in my car riding back to my place. I had already started calling him his new name "Sully"-- short for Sullivan. I thought it sounded enough like Tully O'ran plus I named him after one of my favorite Irish pubs where I had tried 'black and tans' for the first time.

Sully- as it turns out- was a black and brown brindle greyhound.

As soon as I got him home, the first thing he did was jump up on a bed and relax. Lazy to the core, pretty much all he ever did was sleep on my bed, bless his heart. He didn't know how to play, but that was ok. He was still a good dog. He was extremely gentle and he slept by my side every night.

I don't know if I was home enough to be a good caregiver. I don't think I took him on enough walks or runs. I hope he had a good and comfortable homelife for the 6 years that he was mine.

Part of me wants to adopt another one, but for the reasons above (and because I can't watch another animal die) I have chosen not to.

But I feel guilty about it.

Get your cry on...

Since it was such a banner holiday for me, I decided that I needed to get my cry on.

Earlier during the holiday weekend I got a taste of this when I watched 'Babe' on national TV. I had forgotten about this movie, and it really is a fairly clever little film. And perfectly designed to tug on your heartstrings. I teared up at numerous occasions (Babe losing his family, the sheepdog losing her puppies, Babe nearly getting shot, and then when the damn pig wins the contest). That movie alone was nearly enough... but not quite.

Usually Extreme Home Makeover is enough to do this, what with their penchant for dying children, dying mothers, dying fathers, children with disabilities, etc. Unfortunately last night's episode left me a bit flat. The father had died a full two years earlier, so the grief wasn't as immediate; I just never bought in emotionally.

And I only had the one, glistening tear during the movie "Stranger than Fiction" so I was really coming down to the wire on this weekend without having gotten all snotty. Was I really going to have to pull out all the stops and pop in the movie "the Color Purple"??

Alas, no. I casually changed the channel and found a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Yes- the one with Alicia Silverstone starring as the young mother who is dying of cancer, but is struggling to find a good home for her son before she croaks.

"Now THAT oughta do it," I thought to myself.

Not that Alicia did the best acting job- but she sort of looks sickly anyway, what with her baby teeth and all, so at the very least she was believable as the cancer-riddled mother. And of course the town rallies around her. And her best friend decides to take her kid. And the town brought the famous town picnic to her because she was too sick to make it (with a candlelight processional with the candles that she helped them all MAKE for crying out loud). And then she finally dies.

It wasn't niagara falls, but it was enough to make me blow my nose repeatedly.

That'll do pig, that'll do.

Gobble Gobble

This has been one very long weekend for me. Mostly because I have spent the weekend almost entirely alone.

I have not spent a Thanksgiving alone in several years, and I can't say that I enjoyed it much. And because I've had so much time on my hands, I naturally have done squat. That's just part of my nature. When I have a hundred things to do and 2 hours to do it, I'm like a fart in a twister. But when given tons of time and little to do, I'll nap or watch TV. Or movies.

On Thanksgiving day, I did a little cooking for myself and it was ok. My menu included two of my favorite casseroles (broccorni casserole and cheesy-mustard cauliflower). My mother named the things, ok? And I had a turkey sandwich- which was always my favorite part of the meal anyway. Still, it sort of sucks to eat alone and not have any games or conversation afterward.

Mowed on Friday and successfully mulched all of my neighbor's leaves that were cluttering my yard. I have only one or two trees on my lot-but my fucking neighbors have huge trees which border my yard. Thus I get inundated with leaves every year. And since I don't want to burn and add to Global Warming- I just mow and mulch the suckers. It took over 2 hours and two tanks of gas to do it,but the yard looks good... well, good-ish. Let me just say again for the record that I HATE FUCKING MOWING!

Saw "Stranger than Fiction" and I loved it. Will Ferrel's performance didn't make me want to punch him in the throat at ALL. and Emma was great as usual. Nearly teared up at the end- loved the ending. Again- sad to see movies by yourself and I do it all the time.

Played volleyball on Saturday (thank god for a group activity!) But I sucked at the end and got very frustrated. Also did a bit of music composition- but didn't get very far with it. I have discovered that I can write nontraditional pieces of music (i.e. modern) but trying to write things like fugues or chorales completely eludes me, and these are the things that olde timey composers used to do in their sleep. Its very frustrating.

Rented Da Vinci Code (its good) and Strangers With Candy (so bad I had to stop the film after 20 minutes-- and I think it still gave me cancer).

So- not much to write home about, I'm afraid. I have one more day of this too. I may play volleyball again, as it will be 70 here today. At least it will be human contact,right?

Madonna Confessions Tour

I would like to take this opportunity to come out of the closet... I like Madonna.

In the past I've been ashamed to admit this, but admitting that you have a Madge addiction is the first step, right? I've even bashed her in public in order to hide my shameful secret. But I guess I really do like her. I don' t listen to her music often at all, but when I do I find myself enjoying it... for the most part. I can't say I like her earlier stuff- it was a bit on the whiny side for me. And she hit just a fraction too late for me to be enthralled with her back in the 80's. I watched her on MTV with the rest of my generation, but just gave her a passing nod.

But then came along Dick Tracy. And I began to like her. And the Blonde Ambition tour sort of sealed it. She really put on a production and I remember watching that concert on TV and actually ENJOYING it.

After that I tried to deny my Madonna-ness. After all, I wasn't going to be one of those fags who loved the holy trinity of Cher, Barbra, and Madonna. (sometimes Bette gets included, but it depends on the generation). I refused to be one of "those" gays.

And I successfully ignored her. Until I saw the "Girly Show" tour. I LOVED the leather and the spectacle of it all. And the Like A Virgin done as Marlene Dietrich or Edith Piaf or whomever was bloody brilliant. DAMN her!!!

Oh, and I must admit, I DID my share of "Voguing". How embarassing...

She helped me avoid becoming more addicted with her Evita performance. After listening to her butcher her song "you must love me" at the Academy Awards, I thought "Now THAT oughta do it." But no.

Then Ray of Light came along- and I actually bought the album right when it came out due to all the buzz surrounding it. It appealed to my Far Eastern sensibilities which I liked. (So did Alanis's album that was released around the same time.) And I found that I actually LIKED the album- oh my GOD. I actually APPRECIATED it!

And Damn if I didn't like "Music"-- not ALL of it, but several songs. I enjoyed the whole vocal modulation stuff, and the heavy electronica nature of it.

I successfully avoided her "Confessions" album- writing it off to her throwing together a last ditch album to resurrect her sagging career (and simultaneously trying to resurrrect Disco). Sure she's in excellent shape and looks great. But shouldn't she be DONE already??

The fucking concert was pretty damn cool, if I must say so. I watched it this past Wednesday on NBC, and after it was done I was pissed that I didn't "pony" up the dough (pun intended) to see it in person. The dancers were incredible and the action non-stop. And the Gaultier costumes and leather ponyplay getups were awesome!

Who knew?

So- now I'm ready to say to the world "I LIKE MADONNA."

So there.

My Favorite Bond Themes

My buddy over at stageright-stageleft challenged me to write a post ranking my favorite Bond themes of all time, with a description of why I rated them where I did. So here it is.

#1: Goldfinger. The orchestra hits in this piece evoke Bond from the get-go, and Shirley Bassey's raw, emotional voice is perfect for the theme. Everyone knows this theme too, so thats a testament to its brilliance.

#2: Nobody Does It Better. Marvin Hamlish and Carly Simon team up for a beatiful,yet slightly edgy theme. A pop cultural gem, it is also widely known. Its also one of my favorite Bond films of all time, so I'm sure that's coloring my placement.

#3: James Bond Theme and On Her Majesty's Secret Service (tie). These are the orchestral backbone of most Bond films done originally by the John Barry Orchestra. How can you NOT love these themes- the guitar vamp alone is one of the most recognizable elements on the entire Bond franchise.

#5: The Man with the Golden Gun. There really wasn't much that redeemed this bond film- except the theme. I love the 70's vibe to it, and LuLu singing the line "who will he bang...we shall see" is just wonderful and typical of the double entendres used in the movies.

#6: Diamonds Are Forever. Shirley Bassey belts out another brilliant theme. It is sparkly and dreamy and suits the 'space themed' movie very well.

#7: Live and Let Die: Wing's and paul McCartney make a theme that rocks and had the potential to be higher on the list-- if the film hadn't sucked as much as it did. Plus there was one negative point for the ska-beat break in the middle of the song.

#8: For Your Eyes Only: Sheena Easton's voice never sounded better than in this theme. And the easy flow of the theme worked very well with the underwater nature of the movie.

#9: License to Kill: I enjoy this theme purely for its quotation of (and hommage to) Gold Finger. Very good theme overall- and has that great trumpet restatement of the Gold Finger theme in a major key at the end. Plus, Gladys Knight is awesome.

#10: Thunderball. Tom Jones voice lends a strident urgency to this theme. The lyrics are cheezy as hell, but the theme is solid overall.

This concludes my top 10- the rest start to delve into various degress of suckitude. Here are places eleven through the rest.

#11: You Only Live Twice. Nancy Sinatra sleeps her way through this treacly theme. Its good,but not very bond-ish. The best thing about it is that Robbie Williams quoted the string theme in his pop song "Millenium".

#12: Moonraker. I can't believe I'm rating this theme where it is. I love Shirley's voice in it, and its a gorgeous piece, but the lyrics are horrid! And once again- how does this theme evoke the Space theme of Moonraker??

#13: View to a Kill. Good dance song, not a good Bond theme. Duran Duran is a great 80's band, but the fact that their lyrics are unintelligible did not help this Bond theme.

#14: Die Another Day. Once again, good dance song, good electronica stuff from Madge- but not a good Bond theme. At least the lyrics sort of evoked the "die another day' theme- but I don't think it captured the feel ofthe film.

#15: Goldeneye. This theme may have been better had Tina not sung it. I put this one in the Moonraker theme with respect to lyrics.

#16: All Time High. Rita Coolridge, what were you thinking making this a Bond theme? Not only does it not evoke any sense of the Bond film it was used for (Octopussy), it just falls flat a bit lyrically. It would have made a great theme for some cheesy love story instead.

#17: From Russia with Love. At least the theme had the title of the film in it and had some semblance of a Russian feel- but very little feel other than a balalaika in the background. Plus I didn't like the guy's voice. But it gets points for being part of the John Barry orchestra.

#18: Living Daylights. Not only did the film suck,but the theme sucked as well. A-ha doing a Bond theme?? What a throw-away piece it turned into.

#19: Tomorrow Never Dies and The World is Not Enough (tie). Both of these themes were bad enough that they didn't even jog my memory as to how they went. One was by Sheryl Crow and the other by Garbage... but I can't remember who's garbage is whos. How bad is that? At least I can hum the A-Ha song's hook.


Notice I did NOT rate the newest Bond theme: You Know My Name. I have to live with this theme a bit first, see how the film does, etc before I can place it in its place. I will say that it won't crack my top ten-- or if it does, it may displace Thunderball. But that's it.

Why won't Tenacious D Die Already?

Tenacious D sucks pucker- and not in a good way.

I'm quite serious when I pose the question, "Why won't they die already?" Their music is not good. They are ugly to look at. They aren't funny. In fact, I can't think of a single redeeming quality that they posess. So why are they still in the public eye? And in a feature length film, no less??

Jack Black must have some serious lower back and leg strength in order to carry Kyle Gass on his coattails like he does. And Mr. Black must have made some deal with the devil in order to become as popular as he appears to be.

I must admit, I did like Jack's turn in "High Fidelity". Or was it "Empire Records"? Don't suppose it matters much as they are pretty much the same movie. But every movie afterward, I see his character and just want to punch him in the throat. And then punch the people responsible for casting in their respective throats. Like- why was he in King Kong? Or better yet, why is he starring in this new movie as the love interest of Kate Winslet??? Ew. EW!

And as for his buddy, Kyle... WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Which brings me back to my original topic-- why won't they die? They are a shitty music duo, and they've been trying to make "Tenacious D" happen for several years now. They even played on SNL once... and I'm sure Lorne is still airing out the studio after THAT stinker. And still the fuckers persist. And the coup de gras... last night, they fucking showed up on the American Music Awards. I wasn't even watching these grammy-wannabes- I just happened to flip by during a commercial break and there they were... defecating all over the stage. I think I started to tear up, my eyes smote by their hideousness.

Yet there is hope. Since they are a "music group" (loose quotes around THAT one) we can all take heart that these two may soon perish in a small, yet tasteful plane crash somewhere near Clear Lake, Iowa.

I strongly urge everyone to save their money and boycott any films containing Jack Black. Maybe a lack of funding will hasten their demise.

Hot Man Haiku # 323

Male Hyperbole
Bikers, Cops, Sailors, and More
Tom of Finland rocks

My new poster

I just won this poster on eBay. I had seen this poster a few weeks back (in person) and I fell in love it for some reason.

I'm thinking about hanging it in my bedroom.

Bond is Back.

I was shaken... and a bit stirred by the new Bond film.

A dark, brooding, arrogant to the point of reckless James was the focus of this film and it worked. Overall, the film was really good and gritty. However, it was also a tad long (felt like it dragged in places) and the plot was a little convoluted.

Things I liked: the use of black and white at the beginning. The opening credits (without naked ladies bouncing in sillouette). The urban running chase sequence. The use of the omnipresent Texas Hold'em poker instead of Baccarat. The dueling dynamic between Bond and the Bond girl. the vulnerability of Bond. The use of a semi-naked and a fully naked Bond and some of the homosexual overtones. The use of a 1964 Aston Martin and a new Aston Martin. The violence of the fight scenes.

Things I didn't like: the plot that seemed to have three bad guys and three endings. The really LONG poker sequences. The love story that I never quite bought into. The one bit of 'gagetry' that once again seemed just too coincidental.

Things I wished for: the Chris Cornell Bond theme to be just a little better than it was. Its ok, but it is missing a little something- like a really good hook. Gold Finger had a great hook. so did Live and Let Die. Several other bond film themes do as well. I especially like it when they incorporate big orchestra sounds or snippets of the traditional bond music. This one tried, but just didn't quite make it work.

With all that said, I highly recommend it. The Bond franchise has thankfully finally moved away from supremely 'over the top' cartoonish capers, and has rediscovered a more realistic, more believable Bond.

Bizarre-n-Twisted Sex dream

Ok, this one really bothered me. And I honestly am racking my brains trying to figure out what I ate so that I never have to experience a repeat performance.

I had a sex dream about my boss.

My boss is a grotsky cunt.

And I dreamed she was fucking ME with her big penis.

The dream went something like this: I was at work and we had a customer issue. Some large quality issue and our customer was demanding a solution. I got called to her office and there was a box on her desk. Evidently our customer had sent back an example of the parts with the problem.

She opened the box, and inside was a huge penis. Like Ken Ryker huge. She picked up the penis and said, "Well, I guess we're going to have to work this out." Then she strips and fastens the penis to her crotch. It morphs directly into her skin and becomes part of her.

The next thing I know, I'm greased up a bit and on all fours on the bed that was in her office. She gets behind me and starts to mount me. I can feel this enormous penis poking around my asscrack, but its just not going in and she is doing nothing to help the process other than gently thrusting back and forth.

I'm forced to reach back and grab ahold of the monster (I remember feeling how my hand wouldn't go all the way around the shaft) and then position it at my sphincter. It slides in easily as I recall (not sure how THAT happened).

My next recollection is of my boss gently humping away at my ass with this huge thing. Much to her credit, she did NOT try to jam the whole thing in-- it was more of a short stroke operation. She was talking while doing it, but it was work chatter. I remember feeling very harassed and used and NOT turned on AT ALL.

In fact, I think I was the opposite of turned on.

Eventually I made her pull out and we rolled onto the bed to face each other. I was very embarassed about being naked and violated by her. I asked her if we "needed to get a sample" from the item. She said 'no' and that she would figure some other way to answer our customers. I thanked her and made a passing reference to the 'size' of the problem. Then I got dressed and left her office.


How fucking creepy IS this???

additional Xxxmas items

For the particularly giving people in my life, I do have one or two additional items that I would love to receive for X-mas...

A portable sling would be awesome fun-- plus it gets rid of those unsightly eyebolts in the ceiling. Also, easy to store when family arrives.

And what gay man wouldn't love to wake up Christmas morning with THIS stuffing his stocking? I tell you, Ken Ryker is ever-so-dreamy!

All I want for Christmas...

I'm not spoiled, I just want what I want. And even though I won't do a lick of Xmas shopping before Thanksgiving is done, it really is never too early to start dropping hints.

Surprizes are overrated in my opinion; I much prefer getting things that I know that I want. I find that when a person tries to surprize me with a gift, it rarely works out well for either of us. My mother is famous for this-- she still things that she can buy me clothes, for crying out loud. I ask you, what mother can successfully purchase clothing for her gay son? Its our job to buy THEM clothes-- geesh.

Anyway, when faced with most surprizes, I tend not to fake my enthusiasm well (bedroom excluded), and the other person just ends up feeling hurt. And both of us end up disappointed. Naturally there have been a few notable exceptions, but in general the rule is "no surprizes unless you really Really REALLY know me".

So, I have decided to use my blog to show a few items that would be greatly appreciated (if not downright thrilling) if I received them.


I love all things Flash Gordon- and I have been trying to find a poster sized reproduction of this famous sword duel scene. I saw it once in an art store 15 years ago, but it was an expensive lithograph or something. It even had the roy lichtenstein dot feel to it. Ah- opportunities missed.


I love hello kitty- and this toaster actually burns her face into the bread. How fucking cool is that??


This book is chock full of fucking hot daddies. Why WOULDN'T I want it??


For top down cruising in my MINI convertible, this sure would be nice!


For an impressionable teenage boy, this movie had it all. Plus it formed my first relationship with an exotic car-- the Lamborghini Countach.


I love experimenting with trombone mouthpieces-- having one that would produce a louder sound would be cool.


I'm sure I'll come up with more items as we get closer to the big day.

Looney Tunes on a Monday

Great abs, but alas... no package.

Ok- so I was thinking about music this morning, and the tune that kept running through my head was that damn theme that's being used in the new Visa Check Card commercial. Its the commercial of all the people at the cafeteria getting meals and everying is moving in perfect sync-- until a guy decides to pay with cash. Which naturally causes the whole perfect dance to fall apart. (reminds me of the scene in the Fisher King when Grand Central Station turns into a ballroom for a brief moment).

Anyway- I love the music in the commercial. It captures 'industry' so well! And because I was raised by the tele (as so many of my generation were) I recall the music being used heavily during Looney Tunes cartoons. Any time there was busy activity going on, the music was featured.

As it turns out, it was used in like 40 warner bros cartoons.

I hear you asking, "But cb-- what is the NAME of this piece, if it even has one?" It does. Its called "Powerhouse" and it was composed by Raymond Scott back in the late 1930's. It was never meant for cartoon use-- it was a new style of composition called 'Descriptive Jazz' and was written to capture moods and images with highly scripted (less improvizational) jazz.

But as luck would have it, Mr. Scott sold the rights to his music, and a beautiful marriage was born. I mean, how perfect and catchy is his "Powerhouse" composition?

So then this led me to start googling for images from various Bugs Bunny cartoons. I was desperately trying to find a picture of the construction worker from "homeless hare". He has that really dark 5 o'clock shadow and is all hunky... God, I was so gay as a small child!

But I did find the above image of "the Crusher" pro wrestler that Bugs fights. I love the simulated ripping pants sequence. And how Crusher flexes his muscles and he has about a 24 pack. Its insanely over the top.

And then there's Gossamer. I love that damn, red haired monster. And the manicure segments. And the hairdo segments! "Monsters is the craziest peoples!"


Nobody played 'gay' like Bugs.

Casin007 Royale

I have great hopes for the new Bond... so they better not blow it. Given the cool factor of the trailers (and the fact that Audioslave is doing the bond theme!!) I am fairly confident that this latest installment will effectively rock my world.

I am a major "Bond" freak. HUGE. I've seen every bond film at LEAST twice- including the crappy "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" with George Lazenby. Seriously- what were they thinking with that one? One and done???

Luxury for me would be having cable so that I could get the TBS "Bond Marathon" or that man TV channel that shows bond films all the time. There's always a bond movie somewhere out in the nether-reaches of cable spectrum. And I LOVE it!

I never get tired of watching Bond films either. The action. The gagetry. The misogeny. The cool cars and chase sequences that always one-up each other in subsequent films. The inventive death scenes. The movies are so contrived- yet so bloody brilliant! I mean, Bond gets a watch that has a built in laser, a garotte, and a remote control explosive device... and somehow James gets to use ALL THREE to escape. Huh.

And no, I don't have a favourite Bond. I know MOST people prefer Sean Connery... but I'm not sure if I do. He was good, to be sure, (and quite hirsute!) but my Bond fascination began in the 70's when Roger Moore was firmly ensconced in the role. Not that Roger was the best Bond; he certainly wasn't the best kisser (ewwwww). But he does star in my favorite of all Bond films "The Spy Who Loved Me". And of course I loved Pierce "Remmington Steele" Brosnan's take on Bond.

Timothy Dalton (while hot and awesome as Prince Baron in Flash Gordon) was not a good bond. Either was the afforementioned Mr. Lazenby.

My predisposition to the Bond franchise has a little bit to do with how easily they swim about the whole Bond milleu. They change 'M's and Bonds and Ms. Moneypenny's and Q's and Cars with ease. Yet they always give a nod to their past- and I like that.

Take, for example, this newest Bond coming out of the ocean wearing a white brief trunk. I LOVE this metrosexual twist to Ursula Andress's famous 'venus in a white bikini' scene in Dr. No. Which Halle Berry did a lesser version of it in Die Another Day.

Gotta love that kind of stuff.

And they've gone back to using Aston Martins, which I heartily applaud. Except for the Lotus Esprit that turned into a submarine, Aston Martins kick ass. And as a side note- the company that I work for makes an engine component that goes into all of the Aston Martins. How 'bout THAT?

So yes, I will be standing in line on opening night to see this latest Bond Film. I hope Casino Royale is as cool as it looks. I'll keep you posted.

Hot Man Haiku # 665

Handsome Israeli
Olive skin, dark-eyed mischief
Mummy?? No... Daddy!

Vegemite? Uh... vegemiteNOT.

So when I was in New Zealand, I felt that it was a moral imperative that I sample vegemite.

Naturally I'd been fully aware of this 'down under' contribution to cuisine, ever since the Men At Work song "I come from a land down under". If you recall, there is mention of a vegemite sandwich in the song lyrics. And after trying vegemite, I am completely baffled as to why anyone (living or dead) would actually choose to EAT a vegemite sandwich.

Let me explain.

My family was staying at a resort of sorts near Queenstown for the first few days of our NZ stay. My step brother was competing in a world triathelon championships being held at said resort, so the rest of us were just chilling and awaiting the event's completion. It was a beautiful place with a pub on site, as well as a small restaurant. However, due to the sheer volume off athletes, the resort had set up tents where there were buffet-style meals. Especially Breakfast.

How utterly american of them!

Anyway, my second breakie there, I made the conscious decision to try vegemite. On toast. Evidently this is quite a normal part of the down under breakfast experience. Naturally I had tried Weet-bix, yohgurt and some other breakie items that were indigenous to NZ and NOT vegemite first.

So, enter this cute server guy. He was working at the resort and was stocking the breakfast bar area. Actually he wasn't cute-- he was bloody HOT. As all Kiwi men are, I quickly learned. I asked him about the vegemite stuff (mainly to hear his accent and to flirt mildly with him), and he told me that yes I should try it. And yes I should spread it on toast. His female server counterpart concurred and she was an American emigre.

So I picked up a packet of vegemite. And it WAS Kraft, in case you were curious. Kraft makes vegemite-- who knew??

I sauntered back to my table with my wheat toast and opened up the vegemite packet. These packets are the same size as individual jam packets that you find at restaurants. So, I took my knife, and and scooped out the entire packet and spread it on my toast.

I managed one, large bite of toast and immediately gagged.

Now, you must realize that I consider myself to be quite 'food adventuresome'. I'll try anything once- except certain organ meats. For example, I don't see myself eating monkey brains or cow eyeballs in the future, but I have managed pate and caviar. I eat sushi like its going out of style, and there aren't many (if any) veggies that I won't eat. But the vegemite was more than I could take.

I swallowed my one bite, then promptly dumped the toast in the garbage.

The cute server guy caught me and asked me about my vegemite experience:

Hot Server Guy: Sao- haow'd yew loike you're vegemite, mate?

cb: Um. To be honest... I didn't. At all.

HSG: Really?

cb: Yeah. It was bitter and really strong and fairly gross. Do you actually EAT this stuff or do you just leave it for dumb tourists?

HSG: I heve it every daie. Sao... haow much did yew use?

cb: The whole packet.

HSG: (Laughing hysterically) Yew ate the whaole pecket?? On one piece of taoast???? No wondah!

Hot server guy then calls to his girl server friend and has her come over and laugh at me too. It was at that point that she calmly informed me that the correct way would have been for me to perhaps have spread a little butter on my toast, and then to spread a LIGHT layer of vegemite on top. A small knife scraping of the stuff would have been quite sufficient.

I asked if this were the case, then why didn't they put fucking instructions on the Kraft packets?

I left breakie soon after in somewhat of a huff. My whole vegemite experience left me feeling a bit sheepish... and angry at losing my chance to bed the hot server guy. Had I not been with my family, I would have invited him back to my bed to help rinse the foul, vegemite taste out of my mouth. After all, it had been his suggestion to try the shit anyway.

Hang on-- what if guys in New Zealand taste like vegemite?? After all, you are what you eat. Perhaps I dodged a bullet...

Ah, autumn...

I wish I would've taken this picture a week ago. The dogwood leaves were more 'blood red' at that point. Now they've taken on a brownish tinge. But the berries are more brilliant now, so it was a tradeoff.

The past few weeks the trees have been brilliantly coloured here. It makes my drive to and from work a bit more pleasant.

Hot Man Haiku # 707

Sexy Wrestlers
Where do they keep finding you?
Son of Jesse Helms??

Its beginning to look a lot like Krampus

I have a new favorite holiday... Krampus! And I plan on celebrating it.

Here's what one source says about Krampus:

"Although Santa Claus once punished the bad children along with rewarding the good (using his 'naughty or nice' list), he seems to have forgotten his punishment duties. In Europe, where Saint Nicholas brings the winter gifts, punishment is still part of the fun in the form of a devilish assistant. This mysterious figure is known by many names: Knecht Ruprecht, Pelznickel, Klaubauf, Black Peter and Krampus. Actually Santa and Krampus evolved from the same ancient roots, from the forests and caves of prehistoric Europe; their ancestor is the same Horned God who became known as the Devil. The growing interest in Krampus takes inspiration from 19th century holiday cards, which range from comical to truly terrifying. In Austria and the EU, Krampusnacht (Night of Krampus) is observed on the eve of St. Nicholas' Day (Dec 6th). A cross between Halloween and Xmas, revelers honor Krampus by mumming (frightening innocents with horrible masks and garb), playfully hitting people with sticks, dancing and carousing, among other activities. Krampusnacht is rapidly gaining celebrants in the US and across the world. In December 2006, Krampus is coming to America to pick up the slack for Santa."

Apparently, St. Nick and Krampus were once viewed as sidekicks. Santa did the rewarding, and Krampus was the punisher. And Krampus evidently looked a bit like a devil.

Hmmm. S-A-N-T-A versus S-A-T-A-N. Coincidence???

From other things I've read, I'm delighted by the descriptions of Krampus festivals where evil Krampus (krampi??) dress in horned masks and then wander the towns knocking on doors where children live. When the parents open the doors, the krampus run in and terrify the naughty children with switch cracks and growls. Then, with the children's shrieks still hanging in the air, the parents invite the Krampus to sit down and drink a few. Can a winter festival get ANY better than that? I think not.

Talk about a way of keeping your children in line! Here in Amerika, all we do is reward spoiled, fat, lazy children with more things to make them fatter and lazier. And more spoiled. American children actually feel ENTITLED to all of these presents- just for existing- be they naughty or nice. At least in Europe they still scare the bejesus out of their kids with the threat of actual coal and switches in their stockings.

Another good thing about Krampus is that you don't see a shitload of Krampus decorations already hitting the malls and retail outlets. Its not even Thanksgiving yet, for Christ's sake! One holiday at a time! FIRST Thanksgiving. THEN Krampus (on December 5th).

I promise not to mention Krampus again until the big Krampus shopping day-- the day after Thanksgiving.