Vegemite? Uh... vegemiteNOT.

So when I was in New Zealand, I felt that it was a moral imperative that I sample vegemite.

Naturally I'd been fully aware of this 'down under' contribution to cuisine, ever since the Men At Work song "I come from a land down under". If you recall, there is mention of a vegemite sandwich in the song lyrics. And after trying vegemite, I am completely baffled as to why anyone (living or dead) would actually choose to EAT a vegemite sandwich.

Let me explain.

My family was staying at a resort of sorts near Queenstown for the first few days of our NZ stay. My step brother was competing in a world triathelon championships being held at said resort, so the rest of us were just chilling and awaiting the event's completion. It was a beautiful place with a pub on site, as well as a small restaurant. However, due to the sheer volume off athletes, the resort had set up tents where there were buffet-style meals. Especially Breakfast.

How utterly american of them!

Anyway, my second breakie there, I made the conscious decision to try vegemite. On toast. Evidently this is quite a normal part of the down under breakfast experience. Naturally I had tried Weet-bix, yohgurt and some other breakie items that were indigenous to NZ and NOT vegemite first.

So, enter this cute server guy. He was working at the resort and was stocking the breakfast bar area. Actually he wasn't cute-- he was bloody HOT. As all Kiwi men are, I quickly learned. I asked him about the vegemite stuff (mainly to hear his accent and to flirt mildly with him), and he told me that yes I should try it. And yes I should spread it on toast. His female server counterpart concurred and she was an American emigre.

So I picked up a packet of vegemite. And it WAS Kraft, in case you were curious. Kraft makes vegemite-- who knew??

I sauntered back to my table with my wheat toast and opened up the vegemite packet. These packets are the same size as individual jam packets that you find at restaurants. So, I took my knife, and and scooped out the entire packet and spread it on my toast.

I managed one, large bite of toast and immediately gagged.

Now, you must realize that I consider myself to be quite 'food adventuresome'. I'll try anything once- except certain organ meats. For example, I don't see myself eating monkey brains or cow eyeballs in the future, but I have managed pate and caviar. I eat sushi like its going out of style, and there aren't many (if any) veggies that I won't eat. But the vegemite was more than I could take.

I swallowed my one bite, then promptly dumped the toast in the garbage.

The cute server guy caught me and asked me about my vegemite experience:

Hot Server Guy: Sao- haow'd yew loike you're vegemite, mate?

cb: Um. To be honest... I didn't. At all.

HSG: Really?

cb: Yeah. It was bitter and really strong and fairly gross. Do you actually EAT this stuff or do you just leave it for dumb tourists?

HSG: I heve it every daie. Sao... haow much did yew use?

cb: The whole packet.

HSG: (Laughing hysterically) Yew ate the whaole pecket?? On one piece of taoast???? No wondah!

Hot server guy then calls to his girl server friend and has her come over and laugh at me too. It was at that point that she calmly informed me that the correct way would have been for me to perhaps have spread a little butter on my toast, and then to spread a LIGHT layer of vegemite on top. A small knife scraping of the stuff would have been quite sufficient.

I asked if this were the case, then why didn't they put fucking instructions on the Kraft packets?

I left breakie soon after in somewhat of a huff. My whole vegemite experience left me feeling a bit sheepish... and angry at losing my chance to bed the hot server guy. Had I not been with my family, I would have invited him back to my bed to help rinse the foul, vegemite taste out of my mouth. After all, it had been his suggestion to try the shit anyway.

Hang on-- what if guys in New Zealand taste like vegemite?? After all, you are what you eat. Perhaps I dodged a bullet...