Wednesday, April 04, 2007

White Trash House

I've recently come to the realization that I have become white trash.

It is a very sad and very harsh realization to be sure. But true nonetheless. You should see my house. I live in a neighborhood of older folk who keep up their homes and lawns. My house is the eyesore on the block. So much so that I have named my residence...

Chez Poubelle du Blanc.

The other night as I was watching TV, I heard a couple noises outside. It sounded like a squirrel on the roof or something and I blew it off. The noise I heard was actually the sound of my gutters falling off the front of my house. Yes, I discovered it while coming home from a hard day at the office. As I approached my home I see the entire north side gutter sagging like Brittney's labia.

So I have been forced to call a gutter guy. How much this will cost is anyone's guess. And then I'll be forced to paint the outside of the house, which is ok because the creamy-yellowy-beigey color is really hideous and the paint is peeling in spots.

Also, my lawn is a complete embarassment. The half acre around my house is a goulash of chickweed, clover, crabgrass, dandelions, violets, and the occasional yard onion. I think the small amount of actual grass is fescue, but I'm not sure. The only things missing at this point are an engine block and a toilet planter.

I have spent the last two nights mowing my lawn and then spraying it with a very unenvironmentally friendly weed killer. I think it goes by the name "Bitch Kill" or something. The label promises to kill over 250 weed varieties and yet leave the grass untouched (ah! just as nature intended).

Inside my house, I have a toilet that needs a new float mechanism, a bathroom that needs a new sink, and a stove that needs a new burner. I also have a wall in my living room that has been waiting for paint ever since I had a doorway installed and some drywalling done... 2 years ago.

If it weren't for the fact that I like sucking dick, I would SO not qualify for gay status.

9 Comments:

At 6:50 AM, Blogger Glenn said...

You are SO not alone. We're having a cleaning boy come over today to look over our apartment and give us an estimate of what it will cost us to have him wipe us down. This'll be the second time our place has been cleaned since Hurricane Katrina.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger cola boy said...

You forgot to include an up-side-down hubcap to hold the dog food for your pets. That would really complete the scene ;-) Maybe you should hire a handy man to fix some of those items and let you relax.

 
At 12:51 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

When you were looking in your gutters, did you find my mind in there?

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Alexander said...

"...sagging like Brittney's labia." PRICELESS!

 
At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Zack said...

To become true white trash, you'll have to trade your Mini Cooper for a rusty pickup truck or a 20-year-old Camaro.

 
At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Kevin said...

Hmmm...

Sounds like you need someone f/t to help around the house. Let's see, I do plumbing, minor house repairs, some electrical work and as well as landscaping. Oh, I have also been told that I am a great cook!

I promise I won't even interfere with your dick sucking habits, unless of course....

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger cb said...

Just so everyone knows, I also have a jacked up toyota 4x4 pickup... but its not running because it needs a battery. And an exhaust manifold, and a new clutch...

 
At 7:29 PM, Blogger kevin said...

I can put my hand to a bit of plumbing if that will help you out!?

Im sure my house is worse than yours.

Kev in NZ

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger Donnie said...

LOL...well, you're not really White Trash until you have a book under any broken couch leg. And if said couch is on the front porch...you're definitely white trash!

 

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