Monday, July 24, 2006

The unbearable lightness of being Evil...

Kevin and I went to the Raleigh Bars on Saturday night.

Ew.

Decidedly low on 'talent', if you catch my drift. It was a weird night for both of us, as we had not actually been to the bars in Raleigh for 2 months. In that time they had turned a one-way street into a two way street and re-angled all of the onstreet parking (which fucked up where I always park!) and the big straight bar "Jillians" in the midst of the gay area had closed. Other than the gays, it has now turned into a freaking ghost town... tumbleweeds and all.

Good news though- we watched Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion before going out, so we were ripe with quotes. My new favorite to use on Kevin is now, "You are just as cute as me. And in some cultures, maybe even cuter."

So- first stop = Flex. The one Raleigh pseudo-leather bar. Evidently it was 'wet bear' night (redubbed wet carpet night by yours truly). There was a kiddie pool for sitting in if you stripped down to undies. Oh well, my commando self just couldn't get in. Darn.

While standing around and chatting with a few friends, Kevin and I were assaulted by a short, gay bear cub. We had just finished talking with a friend of Kevin's from Atlanta when this guy comes right up and says, "Hey! Welcome to Raleigh! Sorry you had to see our bars tonight- its pretty sparse in here." Kevin and I just sort of look at each other, then at him. Then he clarifies things by saying, "I was listening to your conversation earlier- aren't you guys from Atlanta?"

It was readily apparent that he was one of those shorter guys with the overcompensating personality. S.M.S. (short man syndrome) for short. Sometimes it manifests itself as a big chip on the shoulder. Sometimes as a bizarre, try too hard, clinging personality.

Kevin and I got ourselves a Cling-On.

Kevin, being the nice guy he is, starts chit chatting amicably with the guy. Kevin explains that he is from Lexington, NC and has most assuredly been to the bars before. After a few more minutes he turns to me and asks, "So where are YOU from?"

I'm wearing a bloody YMCA of Durham t-fucking-shirt. So I deliberately underline the 'durham' part on my chest and simply shrug my shoulders.

Evidently this guy took my disinterest in wanting to verbally spar. Not good. So he starts railing on Durham (crime, drugs, gangs, etc). I am actively not listening (looking at kevin, looking away, etc) and then a good song comes on. So I start to groove a little- for Kevin's benefit. Sometimes I dance like a fool to make Kevin laugh. Its fun for me and it keeps my 'roger rabbit' skills sharp.

Little man sees me do this and then says, "Oh! Because he lives in Durham boy thinks he can 'buss a move'."

I've had enough at this point so I look at him and say, "Well, seeing as how I'm from rough ol' durham, instead of 'busting a move', you should be more worried about me busting a cap in yo' ass."

He then says that he's not worried because he's from 'Fayetteville' (Ft. Bragg, soldiers, etc). To which I reply, "Oh. Fayetteville- where they hold their M-16's sideways when they off someone because it "looks cooler that way"." air quotes and all.

I'm through with him at this point, so I go grab another beer. Kevin is thoroughly enjoying himself. Little man stays and chats with Kevin a bit more and starts asking questions about how long we've been together, etc. Kevin has to correct him on this. I let them chat a few more minutes, and then Little Man makes his retreat when I come back after getting a new drink.

Cut to CC's, the next bar. Kevin and I are there and we dance and have fun. They played the new Christina Aguilera song-- it thoroughly rocks! But then after awhile, Little Man resurfaces (groan).

Kevin and I are at the bar when he pops up like a garden gnome and starts talking to us again!! This time he opens with something like, "Well if it isn't the cute guy and his angry friend from durham." He's standing there grinning like an idiot. So I feel I have to reach into my high school bag o' trix.

I look down on him, cock an eyebrow, hold the disdainful look for about 3 seconds (just long enough to be uncomfortable) and then slowly turn to Kevin (turning my back on L.M.) while saying, "So.... I got some new clothes at the Gap the other day. They're really cool, you'll like them."

Tip: The whole Gap clothes thing is designed to be an insignificant conversation 'spacer' while completely turning your back on the person you want to blow off. If you are truly evil, you can have a conversation ABOUT the person you want to dis while they are right there. I hadn't reached that point yet.

L'il man chuckles and says, "Figures. You LOOK like you would shop at the Gap."

I sigh audibly, turn back around, look at Little man with an appraising eye. He's wearing that Guinness Hat and T-Shirt combo. So then I turn BACK around to Kevin and say, "So... I just got this beer hat and t-shirt combo thing at Target for 5.99, and I thought I'd wear it to the bar tonight because nothing says festive better than wearing a matching hat and shirt..."

After this, I excused myself to the bathroom. I'm adept at the 'slam and exit' thing.

Little Man and kevin spoke more after I left the second time. Evidently L.M. accused me of being very 'protective' of Kevin and reiterated his view that Kevin and I are dating.

And here is why I love Kevin. He turned to L.M. and said, "We are not dating. We are just good friends. And he isn't protecting me at all-- he just really doesn't like you. At all. Really."

We didn't see our Cling-On the rest of the night.

Kah-plah!

3 Comments:

At 10:00 AM, Anonymous Ray said...

Gotta work on that part about not tipping people off that they're working your ass...it's so much more effective...making a person feel insignificant is better than making them feel hated.

Especially when they're short.

Alas, the Napoleon and evil monkey jokes would have been flying out of my mouth. Fireplug, Oscar the Grouch, and about a million other things too.

And for what it is worth - I have been to the bars in Raleigh. It was a creepy night let's just say. N=1 *hrmph*

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger cb said...

N does NOT equal 1. N never equals 1...

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Six Shooter said...

I SO need to hang out with you sometime. Heh.

 

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