Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Coming Out...

Ok, Mr. Kelly Stern. You got me thinking about my coming out story. So I decided to post it here.

I knew at age 8 what I was-- when you have crushes on Superman (Chris Reeves) and Parker Stevenson from the Hardy Boys, you just sorta know. That and really liking a boy in my grade named Mike Schroder (boy was he cute!)

By age 10 I was messing around with friends and boys my age- especially my cousin. Most of the play was the innocent "sword fight" variety. Or the occasional touchy feely stuff. Except with my cousin whom I continued to mess around until age 17 or so. I also started messing around with my best friend at age 15. For about a year we had sleepovers where he would "pretend" to be asleep, and I would "pretend" to suck his dick. Then he would "pretend" to cum. Then we would fall asleep. Yeah, right... pretending.

Since I was a big nerd in high school (and not cool enough to work at any place as cool as Chess King) I never really had a girlfriend. I was also a late bloomer (no ejaculations until age 15) so was just sort of asexual- or at least viewed that way by most of my peer group. Inside however, I was a big sexual wreck. But I knew that as long as I lived in my crappy hometown with all the crappy kids in my school, I would be alone. Therefore I decided during my senior year of highschool that I just needed to wait for college. There I would get a girlfriend and then be normal and we would do it and it would be magical then then we would get married and have a huge wedding with a brass choir and organ and we would sing to each other....

Yeah- I should have realized sooner that I was a big 'mo.

College rolled around and not much changed. I had a couple girlfriends- nothing serious. I was in a frat, but I never messed around with brothers. Or ANY guys for that matter- not that I didn't have a couple opportunities. I lament those lost collegiate opportunites to this day. I lost my female virginity my sophmore year and it was awful. I decided that waiting to lose the big "V" didn't make sense any more so I just got it over with. It was a drunken fumble-fest with a rather heavyset girl from out of town.

I still maintained my 'straightness' even though there were persistent rumors and jokes about my being 'gay'. I'm not overly effeminate, but I am VERY outgoing and uninhibited. I love to be the center of attention. I was in the band in college and always a prankster and clown and sort of a 'leader' in the group. And as such a big target.

College ended uneventfully. I went to grad school and STILL maintained my straightness. I had two girlfriends in gradschool-- but during the last one (a long distance relationship with a girl in Chicago) I started to admit to myself what I really wanted.

I went to my first gay bar during that time. I got involved in some student activites and I met Craig. I fell deeply, madly, head over heels in love with Craig. I suspected he may be gay, but I wasn't sure. We hung out a lot, and I thought about him all the time. After Christmas break, he called me up and I went to his place. We sat around talking for hours, but then I took a chance. I told him how I felt.

It all came out in a huge blurry rush of words. I was so embarassed afterward that I just told him that I couldn't sit here any longer and I needed to go home. I got up to go to the door, but he grabbed me. He pulled me onto the couch and we made out. It was the first time I had ever kissed a boy.

Then we got naked and messed around (not all the way) but we did come. Then he threw me a towel, got dressed and said, "I hate to kick you out but I have class in the morning."

I was fairly devastated. The next day I called up one of Craig's friends whom I had met. I looked up his number in the phone book, and I was fairly certain he was gay too. I needed to talk with someone- ANYONE-- so I called and just started telling him about Craig and myself and how messed up I felt. He was very cool and we became friends. Through him I met several other cool, supportive guys in the area, and I eventually met my first boyfriend, Scott.

During this time, I'm still dating my long distance girlfriend in Chicago. So for a brief while, I was dating a girl AND a boy. It became apparent which I liked better.

Then things got crazy in my life. Finishing my masters but losing my grant, I had to move home to save money. I was also trying to find a job and was breaking up with Scott(whom I lost my OTHER virginity to) etc. I was sullen and depressed and a bit manic. My mother confronted me and asked me if I was on drugs. I tried to push her off, but she kept forcing the conversation. So I ended up yelling at her, "Mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm GAY! And Gay hours are midnight to 4 am, so THAT'S where I've been!"

She cried. Blamed herself. Lamented the loss of future grandchildren. All the usual crap. (Like she didn't know after that one time I had accidently left out one of her Playgirls when I was 13). Our talk was nearly 12 years ago. To this day we really don't talk much about my 'gayness'. Every so often she asks whether I have anyone "special" in my life. But I don't and I get tired of having to answer that i don't.

I told my father a month later- during a game of trivial pursuit. I had tried for a week to get him alone so that I could tell him, but there was never a good time. So as we were starting the game, I picked up the die to roll it and then said, "Um, before we start playing, I think we should discuss the fact that I'm gay." I'm nothing if not a bit dramatic.

He said he had known for quite some time, but was waiting for me to tell him. He was fairly cool about the whole thing, but was worried that life would be harder for me. I told him I was worried that people would throw my gayness at him to be hurtful, and that's what worried me most. We dont' talk about my being gay very much. He doesn't even ask if I have anyone in my life.

And now, I am not exactly 'out' but I don't hide it. If anyone asks me directly, I tell them honestly.

Thats my story.


At 9:17 AM, Blogger Six Shooter said...

The start of our stories is frighteningly similar. I also couldn't get a job at Chess King.

(My freshman year I was a fat little kid who was only about 5 feet tall.)

Of course the end of our stories is a bit different.

At 9:25 AM, Blogger 9W aka 9thWave aka Nthwave said...

key phrase: not overly effeminate


At 9:50 AM, Blogger cb said...

Well, no more effeminate than this screaming queen that I know who works in the hair and skin care product industry...

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Brian said...

Aw...that's a good story. And hey, we had the same boyhood crushes on Superman and the Hardy Boy. ;-)

At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes it's not like lightning, but more like a slow rolling thunder. I don't talk to my dad about being gay either, I'm sure somewhere in there he thinks I'll still find the right girl.

Thanks for sharing your story!

At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't consider I have fall through internet pages comparable this regularly enough . I am for sure even if I came , I wouldn't want to head somewhere else. - heart burn

At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't consider I have fall through internet pages comparable this regularly enough . I am for sure even if I came , I wouldn't want to head somewhere else. - tropical fish

At 11:07 PM, Anonymous Ray said...

Hrm - the last 2 comments are fascinating.

Chess King - the wince was so bad, Joan River's snatch popped open.

*sigh* a lot of familiar information in that...*snort*

Thanks, a fun read.


At 9:00 AM, Blogger Six Shooter said...

Mmm, heart burn AND tropical fish? Your anonymous commenters are so well versed in so many of the topics that appeal to us, your readers.


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