Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Stalker Greetings: a division of Hellmark

Does it count that I feel slightly dirty posting this?

Ok, so several years ago (like 3) I started sorta seeing this guy. Nice guy. Rich. Good dick. All the usual good stuff. Unfortunately he ended up being WAY more into me that I was into him.

Story of my life (to date).

When I started to cool things off a bit, he kinda turned 'stalkerish'. Calling all the time. And we're talking messages like in the movie "the Cable Guy".

"Hey- I got a call, but it didn't show up on my caller ID. Just wondering if it was you. Call me." Shit like that.

AND I got the wonderful card (left at my door) one night. This was after he 'popped by' one evening around 11:30 pm just to see if I was ok, because I hadn't returned his phone call. I was in bed (alone) when he rang my doorbell. I'm serious when I say this: if anyone who reads this ever dates me, do NOT pull this type of shit. It is the absolute fastest way to get me to run for the hills.

Anyway, back to the card. As you can see, he put in a lot of time doing the X's and O's. And the little drawings represent 'scenes' from our dates. I got a nail in a tire at one point, but because I have 'run flats' I am evidently smart. Also, there is a scene about farts, and a scene in a restaurant where i order something low carb. OH, an my personal favorite is the one showing two stick figures in bed with one saying "hurts" and the other saying "feels good".

Was he SERIOUS with this? C'mon! Who draws this stuff?

I am not a sentimental kind of guy. I don't tend to keep cards or anything like that. In fact, i was convinced that I had pitched this one a long time ago. But I found it buried in my piano bench abotu 4 months ago during a cleaning binge.

I guess I thought I could get some mileage out of it. After all, how many stalker cards does one get in a lifetime?


At 10:12 AM, Blogger Brian said...

OMG! I don't think I have laughed so hard or felt so frightened at the same time.

I feel your pain cb.

At 10:47 AM, Blogger Ms Bees Knees said...

that shit belongs in the MoMA... i'm fucking serious. i have a few i could add to the "stalker : batshitcrazy" collection. lets take this on the road!?

ps. i'm with brian... i laughed so hard i cried.
pss. try my new soup ... boo? wtf... run!

At 3:13 PM, Blogger Jeff said...

really scary stuff...glad my simple life doesn't contain that kinda


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