Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Art of Seduction

Last night a cop tried to pick up my friend Kevin and I for a threesome. And to skip the suspense and be rather "Bertold Brecht" about the whole thing... we declined the offer.

First things first: about Kevin. Kevin is a friend of mine. ONLY a friend. I met he and his ex partner (they just broke up 2 months ago) through my friend-pimp Frank. Kevin and I hit it off instantly, being very similar in personality. We keep each other laughing incessantly and we have the same personal hangups, so that as friends we fit quite nicely together. And because of this, we very early on reached a tacet agreement that we would never sleep together. I think it would be like having sex with twin brother or something. Of course, I do realize that this is a fantasy for some, but in the long run I think it just fucks things up.

Anyway.

Kevin is pretty attractive (although he doesn't think so). He thinks that I am attractive (although I don't think that I am). And if I may be honest and slightly egotistical for a moment, I think at a bar we do garner a small amount of attention. We joke, laugh, are generally loud and friendly, and probably not too awful to look at.

So, cut to the Eagle in Charlotte on friday night. Its country AND western night (they have both kinds!) and the place was chock-a-block with cowboys and NASCAR fans. I can honestly say that I haven't seen that many hubcap sized belt buckles since I went to a straight bar after a Garth Brooks concert. Kevin and I of course dressed for the occasion by wearing our best cowboy hats (his from Wal-Mart, mine is a leather one from a thrift store).

Kevin and I are in the place for MAYBE 10 minutes, when a very handsome man starts talking to us at the bar. Over 6' tall, buzz cut, goatee, very "V" shaped torso, flat stomach, masculine, etc. Your basic bar-nightmare on any regular night. But Kev and I are wearing that magic cologne called "from out of town". That, and he's obviously inebriated at this point, as he is swaying just a tad and slurring his speech. Ok, and when I say 'very handsome' he would actually qualify as HOT. Both Kev and I thought so from the moment he did his first 'drive by'.

Another good thing about kevin and me is that we have nearly identical taste in men. So much so that I quite often ask Kevin when we are out, "Kev- is it wrong for me to find the guy with the goatee in the sleeveless shirt attractive?" If it IS wrong, I can always count on him to tell me so.

So the hottie is talking to us both. And flirting with us both. And buys us both a shot. I preliminarily got the impression that he liked Kevin more. But I think Kevin gets more attention that I do. He has piercings (ears, tongue, lower lip), tattoos, hairy chest, and is bigger than I am in a stocky, thick, muscular chest sort of way (the bitch). So with my ego starting to deflate, I try to hang back to see what is going to transpire next.

But then Kevin goes to the loo, and I start getting the full brunt of Mr. Hotty's attentiion. Through my conversation with him, I discover that he's a cop. Which is, of course, like one of the holy grails in gaydom. Now if only he'd been in a State Trooper uniform and I had to get out of a ticket.....

Well, Kevin comes back. And Mr. Flirty starts the 'touching'. The light petting. The touching Kevin's lower lip piercing and saying "That's hot". And then turning to me and touching my salt and pepper goatee and saying "That's hot". And then the questions like, "So, you guys aren't driving back tonight are you ? Where are you staying?" Etc.

Ok. Now realize that we have been in the bar MAYBE 45 minutes at this point. So Kevin (god love him) grabs my hand and somehow manages to gracefully excuse us to the outdoor patio so that he can smoke. We grab a far table and the conversation goes like this:

K: CB, I want to know what your take on all this is.

CB: He wants to do a threeway with us.

K: O.M.G! I KNOW! How transparent! I knew you'd pick that right up.

CB: Um, I sorta picked up on it when he kept touching both of us identically...

(CB mimes the chin touching thing and says "so hot")

K and CB dissolve into laughter.

CB: So what are we gonna do about it?

K: Well, he IS kinda hot. But a threeway is out of the question. Plus, it would be too easy. It sorta loses some of the meaning when there's no chase involved....


EXACTLY! There was absolutely no art to this guy's seduction. There was no mystery about it. No 'does he or doesn't he' moment. No chase. No 'coyness'. And honestly, that really ruined the whole thing. Even if he WAS a cop.

So Kev and I went back into the bar and flirted more. But with plenty of knowing sidelong glances and covert giggles. And during the parade of the cop's friends, we basically discovered that the cop is a big whore. AND supposedly bisexual. AND a big bottom (so much for the fantasy).

By the end of the night, the officer of the 'piece' had gone from an 8 to a 4. And Kevin and I (being the solid 6.5 - 7's that we are) could no longer justify even entertaining the idea of him.

All this drama, however, freed me up sexually to do the "smouldery eye-tag" thing with another guy at the bar. Which was fun- as all good chase scenes are.


P.S. The cop went home alone. As did Kevin and I.

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