Friday, May 19, 2006

Dethrone the Burger King!

That Burger King "King" guy in the commercials REALLY creeps me out.

He's got those "helter skelter" eyes going in that plastic head, along with the permagrin. The SCARY grin. And then the mime hands come out and present a burger or a croissanwich or whatever BK is hawking at the moment. Its just freaky.

Now I suppose this is fulfilling BK's ultimate plan of creating a memorable commercial. But their commercial is memorable the way that, say, a shuttle disaster is memorable. You know where you were when you first saw it happen, but you don't want to go back there.

I'm honestly thinking of boycotting Burger King, just because of these ads.

I'd boycott McDonalds too, because of freaky-ass Ronald McDonald, but at least they stopped using him in the ads sometime in the mid-eighties. Between that yellow jumpsuited clown and Grimmace, it was a wonder I slept at all as a child!

As you may have guessed, I hate clowns. Mimes too. I know that mimes are not 'technically' clowns. But with the white faces and the no-talking thing, they are in the same vein of creepiness. Tell me you can watch Marcel Marceaux or Muminchance and not get a bit agitated.

I also tend to hate mascots. Not ALL mascots-- just the ones that have that "I'm gonna steal and eat your children" look. Unfortunately the Hurricanes hockey team has such a mascot.

I love hockey. I love the Hurricanes. And (allah willing) they will win the Stanley Cup this year. But their mascot "Stormy" just has to go.

"Stormy" is what they call and 'ice hog'. I think he looks like a cross between a rottweiler and a cow. He's brown and white fur, with floppy ears and BIG BLUE EYES. What the fuck kind of pig is brown and white and furry? But its the eyes that freak me out!

His eyes used to be brown/black. Normal eyes, I would call them. But then somewhere after the first Stanley Cup season, he got a makeover. And his eyes got WAY bigger and miraculously turned blue. Like we needed to make an ice hog even more aryan!

I think there is some sort of mass corporate conspiracy behind this whole freaky, big-eyed spokesmascot thing. Maybe its a subliminal way of reminding us (the american public) that we are always being watched. I mean, look around at all the things that have overexaggerated eyes besides the BK guy and Stormy: manga, barnum and bailey clowns, the cars in that new pixar movie, disney princesses, bernie mac, the simpsons....

The list goes on and on people.

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